74 Days

Well I spent the night at Kelly's last night, and let's just say... it wasn't exactly the dream night I was hoping for. Don't get me wrong, I had fun spending time with my lovely boyfriend and I got a great night's sleep on his cloud of a mattress. It's just... lemme start from the beginning.

In school that morning, we worked together on a project in out Finance class and I began to feel a little hostility emitted from him. I'm not sure where it was coming from, up I knew it when I saw it; I just blamed it on his lack of sleep. Granted, I wasn't much better yesterday morning either; I had gotten little sleep and felt like I was going to faint and throw up at the same time, so I was a smidge on edge. After school got out (at 10:57), we went back to his house and waited for his mom's fiance left. Then we brought down his XBOX and I napped on the couch while he played the game he rented, Medal of Honor. I woke up at three and went to the bathroom to find that... my time of the month had finished. I told him that fact and we spent some... personal time together, took a quick shower, and then watched a 8 Mile on Nextflix.

His mom came home and made us dinner which we ate while finishing the movie. Kelly declared that he needed to return the games he had rented and was looking for a new one. We went to both the Showtime Video's and the Blockbuster Video in Loveland and came up empty, and returned back to his house. During this trip, I realized what exactly was going on with me.The realization was... prompted by more hostility from Kelly. It seems like lately I haven't been extremely comfortable in my own skin, and it took me until last night to figure this out.

We got home from running all over Loveland to find his mom looking though pictures for our graduation/going away party on May 21st. We went through so many adorable pictures of that kid, and it was one of those moments where you realize you've just began to love someone more than you ever had before, and your entire body fills with the warm feeling of true love, and you realize that you could never do anything to harm them because it would absolutely kill you inside.Yeah, I love that feeling.

We went to bed shortly after finding all the pictures we wanted to use at the party and ended up... spending more personal time together before falling asleep on opposite sides of the bed with seperate blankets and everything. However, before falling asleep, my emotions got the best of me again.

A good friend of mine is reveling in the fact that her boyfriend wants to propose after 9 months of dating. I would have a better chance to be happy for her if marraige wasn't such a sore subject for me. Kelly and I had talked in depth about it and had what I thought to be set and realistic plans. One day, several months into our long conversations about the future and how I was supposed to get an engagement ring for my birthday, he told me that it was allllllllll happening too soon and that he suddenly had a change of heart about when to propose to me because we're too young and marraiges in high school stastically fail AFTER getting my hopes up and getting me to dream up everything I wanted for the wedding I wasn't going to go through with until after a year or four of engagement. I mean, I know it's rushed, but that's how I feel things need to be for us. He's in the military and the only way to stay with him on a base is to be married. Engagement is what had been reassuring me that he would always return to me, and when the rug was yanked out from underneath me, my fears amounted higher than they ever had before.

When my eyes began to slowly leak for the second time in the past seven days, Kelly was on my ass about it. I don't like to bother him with it so I lie and say that I'm not crying when I'm really dying inside. He rolled over on his side and held me for a while until I began to feel sobs fighting to come out, so I insisted on him getting comfortable and falling asleep so I could get the emotions out and he wouldn't be bothered. As soon as he fell asleep, I felt like I needed him to be awake and holding me again and I felt like an absolute idiot for turning him away when all he was trying to do was take care of me. I know that I just wanted the best for him, and I know that the best thing for him was a good night's sleep. I insisted that he roll away and get comfortable (mind you, he can't stand holding me in his sleep) and fall asleep and I ended up screwing myself in the end.

So, that was my night last night. I really need to work on getting hopes up and establishing preconcieved notions about things; I also need to show how happy he makes me. He must think that I'm the saddest girl in the world with all the crying I do when he's around. I can't keep wasting our time together crying either. Kelly leaves for Illinois in twenty-four days, and, in realitly, those are the last normal twenty-four days I have with him. I've gotta fix my act.