Today I had another oral surgeon appointment; I'm hoping that I can get my wisdom teeth removed around the end of this week so I can be all set and ready for Illinois. I've got less than a month before my birthday and that's when my insurance policy expires. So this all needs to be done ASAP, right? Well, the doctor said that he needed a letter from an orthodontist stating that it needed to happen and that itself takes ten days. Well, Doctor McAss, I need them out in ten days. I wanted them out by this Friday. So Dr. McAss is going to personally deliver the xrays to an orthodontist in Fort Collins and get him to approve my surgery and then I get all four extracted on June 6th, five days before I fly out to Illinois. I don't know why it's so freakin' impossible for me to go out there in pristine health...
Hair: I tried to put it back to the auburn that it was, but no. It's still the mother fucking Little Mermaid. Good news is that I can get a summer job at Disney Land as Ariel. I can't dye it for a fourth time in two days nor in two months. I'm just going to have to wait at least until after Kelly leaves for basic. My hair is gunna need deep conditioning at least once every two weeks. It's a good thing I just got a new bottle of Bed Head deep conditioner. Bad thing is that it's $20 per bottle.
I think I'm going to just crawl into bed and watch disk three of season four of Dexter. I hate watching it without Kelly. Meh.
5.31.2011
5.30.2011
41 Days
Yesterday was sucky. Today has been a little better with some serious down-points.
I had to go to Showtime Video to pick up the movie Tangled so Kelly and I could watch it over the phone for our 16 month anniversary. It was pouring rain from the minute I left the house to the minute I got home. I was on my way back when some ass hole decided that it would be funny to kick up a tidal wave of watery dirt at me. This after Carter, Tim and the twin decided not to include me in their trip to Elich Gardens.
I was also hell-bent on dying my hair this, like, Paramore red. Well, I had the right color but not enough of it. The dye job really sucked--it was only at my scalp and sparatically at my ends--so I went to Albertsons for another box of it. When I learned that they didn't carry it, I had to buy two boxes of an even redder Herbal Essence color. Dying it for the second time in thee hours lit my head on fire and, when I finally got in the shower, the water only made it hurt more. Now I look like the fucking Little Mermaid, so I'll probably end up officially frying it tomorrow with a new color.
Watching Tangled with Kelly was nice and was the highlight of my day. The movie was so cute and the idea to watch the movie "together" and be on the phone was all his idea. I really enjoyed it.
I had to go to Showtime Video to pick up the movie Tangled so Kelly and I could watch it over the phone for our 16 month anniversary. It was pouring rain from the minute I left the house to the minute I got home. I was on my way back when some ass hole decided that it would be funny to kick up a tidal wave of watery dirt at me. This after Carter, Tim and the twin decided not to include me in their trip to Elich Gardens.
I was also hell-bent on dying my hair this, like, Paramore red. Well, I had the right color but not enough of it. The dye job really sucked--it was only at my scalp and sparatically at my ends--so I went to Albertsons for another box of it. When I learned that they didn't carry it, I had to buy two boxes of an even redder Herbal Essence color. Dying it for the second time in thee hours lit my head on fire and, when I finally got in the shower, the water only made it hurt more. Now I look like the fucking Little Mermaid, so I'll probably end up officially frying it tomorrow with a new color.
Watching Tangled with Kelly was nice and was the highlight of my day. The movie was so cute and the idea to watch the movie "together" and be on the phone was all his idea. I really enjoyed it.
5.28.2011
43 Days
I woke up to a very bright sun and an extreme hunger. I haven't felt this hungry first thing in the morning since Kelly left, so I caved and had a bowl of Peanut Butter Capt'n Crunch. Then I went to the tanning salon, came home to scrub the shower and wash off all the tanning lotion.
Then I continued cleaning out my room of the excess clothes that I no longer want and the trinkets that I've had since I was, like, seven. I've almost successfully filled up another huge garbage bag of donation stuff this week. Now all we need to do is get rid of the 6 mattresses and box springs and the fridge in out garage and I will have completed last year's summer project.
I've also kept working on my abs. I'm happy that it's lasted all week long. It's sad that one week of consistency in a workout routine is a milestone for me, but I have a hard time making beneficial habits. I'm still fighting the desire to eat when I'm bored and to eat more than two meals per day. Working out is definitely helping my weight loss strategy and it's a new element to my weight loss process.
After coming to the realization that there isn't much left in my room that isn't dirty--aside from washing the sheets as I plan to do that a few days before leaving for Illinois--I decided to take a quick break and lay out in the sun. I did go to the tanning salon earlier, but getting tan lines are important too. I read somewhere that tan lines are thought of as sexy because they show where you're not supposed to see. I've been cleaning all day in a pair of Soffe shorts and a sports bra so I laid out in that as opposed to changing into my swimsuit. Thankfully, I didn't take the time to change because the clouds came and blocked out the sun eighteen minutes in to my relaxation. The next day it's supposed to be nice and sunny is this coming Tuesday, so I'll mow the yard to get a little extra time in the sun and the workout from doing the menial chore.
I keep thinking about my upcoming trip out to Illinois: I can't forget to pack this and wondering if should I bring that and deciding which suitcase to bring and which carry-on bag I should use. It's been consuming the majority of my thoughts lately; clearly I'm very excited to go out. I already have a cosmetic bag of things that I'll be bringing out: a pair of Kelly's socks, his sister's necklace that I fixed, next month's pack of birth control, etc. I don't want to dig my suitcase out of Mom's closet until I get a chance to go to Wal-Mart and get a bin that slides under my bed because I have a stack of blankets sitting right where the suitcase will go when I begin packing. I don't deal with clutter well and now that I have Kelly's much larger bed in my room, all the clutter and everything sitting atop my dresser, shelves, and vanity seem... larger, as if objects are taking up more space. Though the looks of my house don't show it, I get my clean freak tendencies from my mom and I don't plan on getting rid of them.
Then I continued cleaning out my room of the excess clothes that I no longer want and the trinkets that I've had since I was, like, seven. I've almost successfully filled up another huge garbage bag of donation stuff this week. Now all we need to do is get rid of the 6 mattresses and box springs and the fridge in out garage and I will have completed last year's summer project.
I've also kept working on my abs. I'm happy that it's lasted all week long. It's sad that one week of consistency in a workout routine is a milestone for me, but I have a hard time making beneficial habits. I'm still fighting the desire to eat when I'm bored and to eat more than two meals per day. Working out is definitely helping my weight loss strategy and it's a new element to my weight loss process.
After coming to the realization that there isn't much left in my room that isn't dirty--aside from washing the sheets as I plan to do that a few days before leaving for Illinois--I decided to take a quick break and lay out in the sun. I did go to the tanning salon earlier, but getting tan lines are important too. I read somewhere that tan lines are thought of as sexy because they show where you're not supposed to see. I've been cleaning all day in a pair of Soffe shorts and a sports bra so I laid out in that as opposed to changing into my swimsuit. Thankfully, I didn't take the time to change because the clouds came and blocked out the sun eighteen minutes in to my relaxation. The next day it's supposed to be nice and sunny is this coming Tuesday, so I'll mow the yard to get a little extra time in the sun and the workout from doing the menial chore.
I keep thinking about my upcoming trip out to Illinois: I can't forget to pack this and wondering if should I bring that and deciding which suitcase to bring and which carry-on bag I should use. It's been consuming the majority of my thoughts lately; clearly I'm very excited to go out. I already have a cosmetic bag of things that I'll be bringing out: a pair of Kelly's socks, his sister's necklace that I fixed, next month's pack of birth control, etc. I don't want to dig my suitcase out of Mom's closet until I get a chance to go to Wal-Mart and get a bin that slides under my bed because I have a stack of blankets sitting right where the suitcase will go when I begin packing. I don't deal with clutter well and now that I have Kelly's much larger bed in my room, all the clutter and everything sitting atop my dresser, shelves, and vanity seem... larger, as if objects are taking up more space. Though the looks of my house don't show it, I get my clean freak tendencies from my mom and I don't plan on getting rid of them.
5.27.2011
16 Month Anniversary
Kelly and I have our anniversary coming up this Monday. I'm still not sure if we'll be able to watch a movie simultaneously, and I really hope we do, but I'll understand if we can't. He's got very little time to spend with his friends and family before basic and, after then, he won't know when he'll get to see any of them again. More than anything, I want him to be happy and live a fulfilling life. I know, it sounds like I'm continuing to put pressure on myself to be the best and making a mountain out of a molehill, but if those two hours could be spent doing something better and making memories with friends, than I'd rather he be doing that... or whatever will make him happiest.
My birthday is also exactly one month away. I have a history of bad birthdays and I just not big on celebrating it. I'm asking for things from my mom, yes, but I definitely don't want a single thing from Kel. I got a BEAUTIFUL ring for my birthday from him last year and I still think that's enough. I've tried to talk him out of getting me something--I hold him that the opportunity cost was high for a silly little present along with various other excuses--but he won't back down.
I have a reason for this madness. He had promised me another ring with a very significant meaning to it. He changed his mind about it last January about the whole idea. It is honest to God the one and only thing that I want for my birthday. If I'm not getting it, I don't want anything. Period. I do realize that it would be my 18th birthday and that it is a very young age to ask for things like this. With the lifestyle that he has chosen, the lifestyle that I have subsequently chosen, I feel it almost... necessary. I know that it wouldn't change anything, like living on base, but it would give me security and peace of mind. It would make me feel more assured that he would someday return to me.
So, to sum it up, I am asking for security and peace of mind for my birthday. Because he's uncomfortable with all that it would mean for him at this age, it just won't happen. Don't misunderstand that statement, I understand where he is coming from and I am in no means trying to make him look like "the bad guy". I get it. I've just been stuck on this fairy tale birthday present for quite a while and it is still what I want. I'm going to pull the "it's my birthday card" and be stubborn.
Back to the subject of the anniversary, I am so happy with Kelly and how long our relationship has lasted. We've been through distances, major surgeries, distance during major surgery, and enough other drama thatr would pull any other couple apart. Not us. We completely agree on several subjects, like politics for instance. There are other subjects where we couldn't have more opposite opinions, like religion. Despite disagreements, arguments, hardships, and distances, we have become and remained an incredibly strong couple. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be happier with anyone else.
My birthday is also exactly one month away. I have a history of bad birthdays and I just not big on celebrating it. I'm asking for things from my mom, yes, but I definitely don't want a single thing from Kel. I got a BEAUTIFUL ring for my birthday from him last year and I still think that's enough. I've tried to talk him out of getting me something--I hold him that the opportunity cost was high for a silly little present along with various other excuses--but he won't back down.
I have a reason for this madness. He had promised me another ring with a very significant meaning to it. He changed his mind about it last January about the whole idea. It is honest to God the one and only thing that I want for my birthday. If I'm not getting it, I don't want anything. Period. I do realize that it would be my 18th birthday and that it is a very young age to ask for things like this. With the lifestyle that he has chosen, the lifestyle that I have subsequently chosen, I feel it almost... necessary. I know that it wouldn't change anything, like living on base, but it would give me security and peace of mind. It would make me feel more assured that he would someday return to me.
So, to sum it up, I am asking for security and peace of mind for my birthday. Because he's uncomfortable with all that it would mean for him at this age, it just won't happen. Don't misunderstand that statement, I understand where he is coming from and I am in no means trying to make him look like "the bad guy". I get it. I've just been stuck on this fairy tale birthday present for quite a while and it is still what I want. I'm going to pull the "it's my birthday card" and be stubborn.
Back to the subject of the anniversary, I am so happy with Kelly and how long our relationship has lasted. We've been through distances, major surgeries, distance during major surgery, and enough other drama thatr would pull any other couple apart. Not us. We completely agree on several subjects, like politics for instance. There are other subjects where we couldn't have more opposite opinions, like religion. Despite disagreements, arguments, hardships, and distances, we have become and remained an incredibly strong couple. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be happier with anyone else.
44 Days
Today has been really quite mundane. I still feel quite sick but it's little better than yesterday. My sore throat is almost gone and I'm not quite as congested.
The doctor appointment was, in a word, long. I waited for over an hour in the waiting room and wasn't seen by a nurse until an hour after when my appointment was scheduled. My leg pain made getting to and from the doctor's office a pain in the neck, waiting around for over an hour sucked, and we never really covered what we needed to in the appointment.
I was about done with feeling sick in public but I decided to take my mom to lunch at Village Inn anyway. It was lovely, the french toast I had was delicious, and it was my first and only meal of the day.
Working out with, what I am now assuming to be, a tweaked/torn thigh muscle is a bad idea. I learned at the doctor that I've lost three pounds fo far this week; however, I had no food in my stomach so it's probably more around the two pound mark. It's still progress so I'm not really bummed that my weight is still too much for my liking. I have a goal to lose eight more pounds by summers end, which would put me back to the weight I was when the year began. I would love to have all eight pounds gone in the next fifteen days, but I know that doing so would mean not eating until then and working out for about thirty minutes every day. I don't wanna do that, but I want a total of five pounds off my stomach before I fly out.
Talked to Kelly today. The conversation went extremely well and I miss him more with every day that passes. He sounded really sad, however, and I find this far from comforting. All I want is for him to be happy. He was ever so excited for this particular trip to Illinois and to hear him sounding borderline depressed crushed me. I have never wished more that I was out there with him in hopes that I can cheer him up.
The doctor appointment was, in a word, long. I waited for over an hour in the waiting room and wasn't seen by a nurse until an hour after when my appointment was scheduled. My leg pain made getting to and from the doctor's office a pain in the neck, waiting around for over an hour sucked, and we never really covered what we needed to in the appointment.
I was about done with feeling sick in public but I decided to take my mom to lunch at Village Inn anyway. It was lovely, the french toast I had was delicious, and it was my first and only meal of the day.
Working out with, what I am now assuming to be, a tweaked/torn thigh muscle is a bad idea. I learned at the doctor that I've lost three pounds fo far this week; however, I had no food in my stomach so it's probably more around the two pound mark. It's still progress so I'm not really bummed that my weight is still too much for my liking. I have a goal to lose eight more pounds by summers end, which would put me back to the weight I was when the year began. I would love to have all eight pounds gone in the next fifteen days, but I know that doing so would mean not eating until then and working out for about thirty minutes every day. I don't wanna do that, but I want a total of five pounds off my stomach before I fly out.
Talked to Kelly today. The conversation went extremely well and I miss him more with every day that passes. He sounded really sad, however, and I find this far from comforting. All I want is for him to be happy. He was ever so excited for this particular trip to Illinois and to hear him sounding borderline depressed crushed me. I have never wished more that I was out there with him in hopes that I can cheer him up.
5.26.2011
45 Days
So yesterday was a total mess. On top of allergies and a bum hip, I wasn't sure which way was up, down, or yellow.
I spent the morning with Ashley again. We went to the JoAnn's in Loveland and the Michael's in Fort Collins where I got some scrapbook stuff on sale. I drove for a while, but handed Ashley the keys before getting into Fort Collins. That's when I found the foot-long scrape at the front wheel on the passenger side. I know it wasn't me; I would have felt the scraping, denting feeling and I would have called Kelly right away and told him. Instead, I was the one to find it and I was the one to tell Kel and send him a picture. He seems really quite upset, as he knew Ashley would be involved in harming the van while he's away.
The second problem is all putzed up. Paul and WhatsHerFace bought a house in Kent, Washington. More so, they want us to fly out this summer for a few days. This warranted a family discussion, and impromptu one at that. Neither my brother nor I necessarily want to go out to see him or spend time with him. Carter really wants to go back to our old church and see the remodeled version of our elementary school and spend time with his old friends. I would like to go and explore the campus at the University of Washington; however, I would only go on one condition: he pay for my health insurance. I would go out every year if he pays for health insurance (and the cell phone bill) until I am out of school.
Naturally, my mother threw a fit. She did the same thing when I told her about the grad money that he sent me; I had told her that it made me feel guilty and five minutes later, she found me and said "I just gave you $100 last week..." with tears falling down her cheeks. She didn't seem to understand that I was telling her that I felt bad recieving it, and that her early birthday present did what presents should and made me feel good. Anyway, this particular conversation was extremely similar. She made us feel, with very few words, that we didn't appreciate how she's bent over backwards to insure us and feed us and clothe us and provide in every possible way. She ended up leaving the room and, after following her to the kitchen, Carter got a door closed on him in midsentence.
I did get to escape the dramatics of the household. A few friends and I went to Taco Bell and then went to see the midnight premiere of The Hangover Part 2. I really enjoyed it; however, I had extremely low expectations for the movie, so it wasn't hard for the movie to surpass my standard. I probably would have enjoyed it much more if it wasn't so late. I was fighting to stay awake, and that took my attention off the movie. I got home and crashed.
Woke up at 10 this morning and, after an hour of dead silence in the house, realized that I was home alone. My allergies and hip are still plaguing me, so I don't plan on going out today. I'm really beginning to wish that we didn't need to cancel our HBO/Encore movie package. I found an entire season of Project Runway on Style. I absolutely love this show and it was a season that I haven't seen.
Mom came home and we went to lunch at Village Inn. It was nice but, as I feared, we ended up talking about my father's offer to fly us out this summer. She apologized for letting her emotions get in the way of things and said that it's in the divorce agreement for us to see him if we so choose. We got home and things just got a little worse. Mom opened the mail from yesterday and learned that, out of the six classes my brother had taken this semester, he passed two of them. She has been informed that she needs to pay hundreds upon hundreds of dollars so he can make up his courses. I got on his campus portal account and learned that he failed a total of six semester classes this year; throughout my entire high school career, I failed a total of seven semester classes. He almost failed as much as I have in his first year of high school alone.
I also got my new Betesy Johnson purse in the mail today two days after ordering. I absolutely LOVE it. And I got my graduation card from my Godfather Floyd. All in all, it has been a pretty good day. I absolutely wish that I was feeling better, but I've got a doctor appointment tomorrow and that should fix me.
I spent the morning with Ashley again. We went to the JoAnn's in Loveland and the Michael's in Fort Collins where I got some scrapbook stuff on sale. I drove for a while, but handed Ashley the keys before getting into Fort Collins. That's when I found the foot-long scrape at the front wheel on the passenger side. I know it wasn't me; I would have felt the scraping, denting feeling and I would have called Kelly right away and told him. Instead, I was the one to find it and I was the one to tell Kel and send him a picture. He seems really quite upset, as he knew Ashley would be involved in harming the van while he's away.
The second problem is all putzed up. Paul and WhatsHerFace bought a house in Kent, Washington. More so, they want us to fly out this summer for a few days. This warranted a family discussion, and impromptu one at that. Neither my brother nor I necessarily want to go out to see him or spend time with him. Carter really wants to go back to our old church and see the remodeled version of our elementary school and spend time with his old friends. I would like to go and explore the campus at the University of Washington; however, I would only go on one condition: he pay for my health insurance. I would go out every year if he pays for health insurance (and the cell phone bill) until I am out of school.
Naturally, my mother threw a fit. She did the same thing when I told her about the grad money that he sent me; I had told her that it made me feel guilty and five minutes later, she found me and said "I just gave you $100 last week..." with tears falling down her cheeks. She didn't seem to understand that I was telling her that I felt bad recieving it, and that her early birthday present did what presents should and made me feel good. Anyway, this particular conversation was extremely similar. She made us feel, with very few words, that we didn't appreciate how she's bent over backwards to insure us and feed us and clothe us and provide in every possible way. She ended up leaving the room and, after following her to the kitchen, Carter got a door closed on him in midsentence.
I did get to escape the dramatics of the household. A few friends and I went to Taco Bell and then went to see the midnight premiere of The Hangover Part 2. I really enjoyed it; however, I had extremely low expectations for the movie, so it wasn't hard for the movie to surpass my standard. I probably would have enjoyed it much more if it wasn't so late. I was fighting to stay awake, and that took my attention off the movie. I got home and crashed.
Woke up at 10 this morning and, after an hour of dead silence in the house, realized that I was home alone. My allergies and hip are still plaguing me, so I don't plan on going out today. I'm really beginning to wish that we didn't need to cancel our HBO/Encore movie package. I found an entire season of Project Runway on Style. I absolutely love this show and it was a season that I haven't seen.
Mom came home and we went to lunch at Village Inn. It was nice but, as I feared, we ended up talking about my father's offer to fly us out this summer. She apologized for letting her emotions get in the way of things and said that it's in the divorce agreement for us to see him if we so choose. We got home and things just got a little worse. Mom opened the mail from yesterday and learned that, out of the six classes my brother had taken this semester, he passed two of them. She has been informed that she needs to pay hundreds upon hundreds of dollars so he can make up his courses. I got on his campus portal account and learned that he failed a total of six semester classes this year; throughout my entire high school career, I failed a total of seven semester classes. He almost failed as much as I have in his first year of high school alone.
I also got my new Betesy Johnson purse in the mail today two days after ordering. I absolutely LOVE it. And I got my graduation card from my Godfather Floyd. All in all, it has been a pretty good day. I absolutely wish that I was feeling better, but I've got a doctor appointment tomorrow and that should fix me.
5.25.2011
46 Days
"We loved with a love that was more than love." --Edgar Allen Poe
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and to be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge
"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove. O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark, that looks on tempests and is never shaken. It is the star to every wandering bark, whose worth's unknown." --William Shakespeare
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and to be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge
"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove. O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark, that looks on tempests and is never shaken. It is the star to every wandering bark, whose worth's unknown." --William Shakespeare
5.24.2011
47 Days
I woke up feeling disappointed in myself after all that happened last night. I layed in bed for an extra half hour or so, trying to clear my head and get my day going, but the only thing I could think of was the lyrics to Lady GaGa's song Let Love Down. I hopped in the shower and started getting ready for Kelly's sister, Ashley, to pick me up around ten so we could go shopping in Fort Collins. I felt much better after showering, and I began listening to GaGa songs to brighten my day.
Ashely was surprisingly on time and didn't need directions to my house. We drove back to her mom's house and I dropped off Kelly's diploma and uploaded the pictures from her camara that I was dying to have. We got to the mall safely and spent about an hour and a half browsing and trying on various articles of clothing. It was soon lunch time; we went to my choice of restrauant in Fort Collins: Hu Hot. It was a pain for her to drive in Old Town Fort Collins. I was gripping onto the door handle for dear life, and that's when she offered the driving responsibilities to me. We found a nice parking spot, and I asked Kelly if he'd allow it. He said that I could if it's okay with Ashley.
Taking over the driving after three years of not operating a motor vehicle was... an adventure. I didn't blow any red lights, get honked at or flipped off, and I didn't get pulled over. Granted, people seemed to like going much faster or slower than I thought necessary, but we had no problems. I even made my scariest turn--something I had extreme difficulty doing while driving with my father in Texas--safely without giving Ash a heartattack or making her scream orhit the nonexistant brake on the passenger's side.
It was raining off and on. I didn't have a problem with it until it started pouring. At that point, I let Ashley take back over. Kelly's tires are bald, so it only takes one inch of water on the road for the car to hydroplane. Plus, I was comfortable with her driving again. There weren't as many cars or street lights or cars parked in the middle of thr street as there were in Old Town, plus I'm pretty sure she knows the area better.
So I got home, fully confident in my driving skills. I began to feel the burn from the small work out I did yesterday, so I worked a little more on my abs, started a load of laundry, and emptied the dishwasher. Trying to keep busy to keep burning fat.
-----
So, I've been thinking quite intensly about my relationship with Kelly. I've come to the conslusion that the purest and most perfect act of love is sacrifice. I love him more than I ever thought one person could love another. I am willing to make sacrifices; I am willing to go through the heat-wrenching pain of loss while the person is indeed still alive and will. I want to be the one standing next to him when all his dreams come true. I want to see him succeed doing something he loves.
It's going to be hard on me in more ways than one. I don't have an appetite when he isn't around. I don't wake up with a hunger for food... or a hunger for anything really. I fill my time as best as I can so I don't laze around the house all; if I do just lay around, I start to feel a depression setting in from doing nothing. Plus, being active all day helps you lose weight. So I make plans and go out and live, but for some of the wrong reasons. I should be out because I want to, not because I need to so I can remain mentally and physically happy with my self.
Anywho, without him I lose weight, as I just don't wake up with a hunger or desire for food. I'll be upset and on edge. My mind most likely wont be where I need it to be, whether it's on school work or work or friends... it'll always be on him and whether he's okay or happy or in danger. I won't be doing anything wholeheartedly. I can already tell you that I'll be a wreck. I've dealt with off and on absentee parents: Mom in hospital every few months for weeks on end; father on business trips for weeks on end. I'm accustomed to adapting to several different ways of life... However, I never loved anyone as fiercely as I do Kel, and the changes will be a challenge.
But it is all worth the pain and heartache if it is true love. ♥
Ashely was surprisingly on time and didn't need directions to my house. We drove back to her mom's house and I dropped off Kelly's diploma and uploaded the pictures from her camara that I was dying to have. We got to the mall safely and spent about an hour and a half browsing and trying on various articles of clothing. It was soon lunch time; we went to my choice of restrauant in Fort Collins: Hu Hot. It was a pain for her to drive in Old Town Fort Collins. I was gripping onto the door handle for dear life, and that's when she offered the driving responsibilities to me. We found a nice parking spot, and I asked Kelly if he'd allow it. He said that I could if it's okay with Ashley.
Taking over the driving after three years of not operating a motor vehicle was... an adventure. I didn't blow any red lights, get honked at or flipped off, and I didn't get pulled over. Granted, people seemed to like going much faster or slower than I thought necessary, but we had no problems. I even made my scariest turn--something I had extreme difficulty doing while driving with my father in Texas--safely without giving Ash a heartattack or making her scream orhit the nonexistant brake on the passenger's side.
It was raining off and on. I didn't have a problem with it until it started pouring. At that point, I let Ashley take back over. Kelly's tires are bald, so it only takes one inch of water on the road for the car to hydroplane. Plus, I was comfortable with her driving again. There weren't as many cars or street lights or cars parked in the middle of thr street as there were in Old Town, plus I'm pretty sure she knows the area better.
So I got home, fully confident in my driving skills. I began to feel the burn from the small work out I did yesterday, so I worked a little more on my abs, started a load of laundry, and emptied the dishwasher. Trying to keep busy to keep burning fat.
-----
So, I've been thinking quite intensly about my relationship with Kelly. I've come to the conslusion that the purest and most perfect act of love is sacrifice. I love him more than I ever thought one person could love another. I am willing to make sacrifices; I am willing to go through the heat-wrenching pain of loss while the person is indeed still alive and will. I want to be the one standing next to him when all his dreams come true. I want to see him succeed doing something he loves.
It's going to be hard on me in more ways than one. I don't have an appetite when he isn't around. I don't wake up with a hunger for food... or a hunger for anything really. I fill my time as best as I can so I don't laze around the house all; if I do just lay around, I start to feel a depression setting in from doing nothing. Plus, being active all day helps you lose weight. So I make plans and go out and live, but for some of the wrong reasons. I should be out because I want to, not because I need to so I can remain mentally and physically happy with my self.
Anywho, without him I lose weight, as I just don't wake up with a hunger or desire for food. I'll be upset and on edge. My mind most likely wont be where I need it to be, whether it's on school work or work or friends... it'll always be on him and whether he's okay or happy or in danger. I won't be doing anything wholeheartedly. I can already tell you that I'll be a wreck. I've dealt with off and on absentee parents: Mom in hospital every few months for weeks on end; father on business trips for weeks on end. I'm accustomed to adapting to several different ways of life... However, I never loved anyone as fiercely as I do Kel, and the changes will be a challenge.
But it is all worth the pain and heartache if it is true love. ♥
5.23.2011
48 Days, part two
God, I am hurting. We had a bad phone call, out first call on his trip, and it was mostly me talking to fill the silence. According to him, I wasn't letting him get a word in edgewise. He sounded depressed and it felt like talking to me was the last thing he wanted, so I tried to make the most of it. At one point, I was in midsentence and all of a sudden I was talking to someone else. He got off early to spend time with his dad.
That's when it began. Long, bitchy texts about how he lives near me and lives far from his dad so he's going to spend all the time with him that he can. He called me petty for being upset over a phone call after being apart for only two days. He said that I'm trying to make him the bad guy, that asking about his day wasn't enough, that I wasn't showing genuine interest. That's when I cried for the first ttime since he left.
I've put so much pressure on myself to make these last days with him before basic the best they possibly can be. We end up fighting while he's away. He makes me feel like I'm always second best to something else, anything else. I'm not even sure if he still wants to be with me because he doesn't think I'm strong enough to last through basic without hearing anything from him for months upon months. He's leaving te fate of our relationship up to me.
The way I see it, I'll be screwed over in the end no mater what happens. I can live in a nightmare where I never see the man I love and am constantly worrying if he's alive and where he is and when I'll see him again and for how long and how to make it the best few days when I do actually get the chance to see him. I can live in a different nightmare where I'm with someone else that doesn't make me as happy but is at least around to kiss and hoild and love, where all the while I'm in love with someone else who is far better than the person I'm with.
My heart is already near shattered. I fell in love when the world was telling me not to, and now I spend my time worrying and crying and unhappy the majority of the time. I"m not even 18, and I feel as if I've screwed my life over so royally, there's no way out.
That's when it began. Long, bitchy texts about how he lives near me and lives far from his dad so he's going to spend all the time with him that he can. He called me petty for being upset over a phone call after being apart for only two days. He said that I'm trying to make him the bad guy, that asking about his day wasn't enough, that I wasn't showing genuine interest. That's when I cried for the first ttime since he left.
I've put so much pressure on myself to make these last days with him before basic the best they possibly can be. We end up fighting while he's away. He makes me feel like I'm always second best to something else, anything else. I'm not even sure if he still wants to be with me because he doesn't think I'm strong enough to last through basic without hearing anything from him for months upon months. He's leaving te fate of our relationship up to me.
The way I see it, I'll be screwed over in the end no mater what happens. I can live in a nightmare where I never see the man I love and am constantly worrying if he's alive and where he is and when I'll see him again and for how long and how to make it the best few days when I do actually get the chance to see him. I can live in a different nightmare where I'm with someone else that doesn't make me as happy but is at least around to kiss and hoild and love, where all the while I'm in love with someone else who is far better than the person I'm with.
My heart is already near shattered. I fell in love when the world was telling me not to, and now I spend my time worrying and crying and unhappy the majority of the time. I"m not even 18, and I feel as if I've screwed my life over so royally, there's no way out.
48 Days
Today has been mundanely busy. I had another night of bad sleep and wrote a haiku at, like, two in the morning for Kelly. He thinks I shoud post it, so here it is:
I can't sleep without.
Eighteen days more days 'til we join.
Eighteen days too long.
I woke up to the second text of the morning from Kelly, saying he was going out for a run. I said good morning to him and jumped in the shower. I had just turned off the water when my phone went off--a text from Kel saying his run had ended.
After taking about an hour to get ready, Mom and I went down to LHS to pick up mine and Kelly's diplomas from the administration office. It instantly became extremely surreal. While waiting for Mrs. Martins to get out of a meeting, a father and his two children came in to enroll his son as a freshman. I overheard that the son wanted to play football and that they hadn't had bought their house yet because they were still trying to sell their house in North Dallas. I couldn't believe my ears. Three years ago, Mom and I were having almost the exact same conversation after moving from North Dallas. My first time ever in Loveland High was being played out before my eyes while waiting to recieve my diploma and leave LHS for the last time ever. It was a... full circle of events and completely ironic.
We left the admin office and took a couple pictures in the cafeteria of me holding my diploma. Mrs. Martins came out and offered us a graduation cap to take pictures in. When she returned, she placed a tassel on it and said that I could keep the hat if I wanted, but she needed the tassel back. I was thrilled by this, as I was planning on offering to buy the hat from her. She then brought out a gown for me to wear for a few more pictures. It was incredibly nice of her, and I am so happy that I was able to skip the two hour ceremony and still get the pictures I wanted. Mom seemed to really enjoy seeing me in the cap and gown with my diploma as well.
We headed out and took a couple more shots in the front lawn of the school and then headed home, talking the entire time abiut how amazing Mrs. Martins was for giving me the hat and pulling out the extra gowns and how wonderful of a place Loveland is to live and how ironic it was to find a family similar to ours, moving from the same area to this small town in Northern Colorado. Out of all the places to move to in the world--out of all the placees to move from--it was the same two locations as us. I couldn't be more shocked.
As for missing Kelly, today wasn't as easy. Picking up his diploma from the school was a first for many things I'll be going and doing for him because he wasn't in town. I am, by no means, complaining. I just wish that he'd be around more than I'm anticipating...
I can't sleep without.
Eighteen days more days 'til we join.
Eighteen days too long.
I woke up to the second text of the morning from Kelly, saying he was going out for a run. I said good morning to him and jumped in the shower. I had just turned off the water when my phone went off--a text from Kel saying his run had ended.
After taking about an hour to get ready, Mom and I went down to LHS to pick up mine and Kelly's diplomas from the administration office. It instantly became extremely surreal. While waiting for Mrs. Martins to get out of a meeting, a father and his two children came in to enroll his son as a freshman. I overheard that the son wanted to play football and that they hadn't had bought their house yet because they were still trying to sell their house in North Dallas. I couldn't believe my ears. Three years ago, Mom and I were having almost the exact same conversation after moving from North Dallas. My first time ever in Loveland High was being played out before my eyes while waiting to recieve my diploma and leave LHS for the last time ever. It was a... full circle of events and completely ironic.
As for missing Kelly, today wasn't as easy. Picking up his diploma from the school was a first for many things I'll be going and doing for him because he wasn't in town. I am, by no means, complaining. I just wish that he'd be around more than I'm anticipating...
5.22.2011
49 Days
Woke up several times throughout the night at the most convenient times; I'd wake up with an asthma attack and have recieved a text from Kelly three or so minutes prior. This combo of events happened every two hours or so and I am surprised I got any sleep at all. The night was, in a word, rough. When I woke up for the day the vastness of the bed beside me gave a sad emphasis to my day.
I spent a fair amount of the morning laying in bed texting. I was able to carry on a very slow conversation with Kelly and make plans with my friend Shelby to hop from one grad party to the next. The apparant absence of Kelly on this beautiful summer morning was weighing heavily on me, and I had a pretty bad attitude for most of the morning. Things started to pick up when I began getting ready for the parties, but this nagging feeling of lonliness just wouldn't go away.
Shelby picked me up around 12:30 and our first party of the day was Brittny's. A former friend of mine, Sydnie, was there; the falling out of our friendship was... messy but enough time has passed and no serious altercation happened. We were sitting at the same table, almost across from one another, with our mutual friends. She didn't engage in conversation nor looked me in the eye and I returned the favor. We headed to a couple more parties but didn't stay long at many of them.
The final party of the day for me was for my friend Jordan. I've known him since my sophomore year and his was the one party of the day that I was going to go to whether my friends were going to show up or not. I got the biggest hug from him and, while I was in the air in the middle of my hug, I heard someone ask Jordan "Now, why didn't I get a hug like that?" and that's when I felt special. Maybe an hour into the party, my friend Caleb (who played football with Jordan) showed up. Caleb and I spent the rest of my time there lost in conversation. Shelby came over to us about an hour into our gossip and informed me that she was heading to the next party, but I chose to stay and talk to Caleb longer knowing that I live no more than two blocks from Jordan. When Caleb saw me turn her down he offered me a ride home, but I didn't see it necessary.
People would periodiclally come over and talk to Caleb and I. I felt a little guilty because I stole Caleb within ten minutes of his arrival; the guilt went away when he and Jordan made plans with a few of their other friends from football for later that night. Three or so hours of conversation had passed and I decided to head out. Caleb insisted on taking me home despite it being so close. By happy accident, Caleb was friving his father's 2003 BMW convertable so, naturally, I got a memorable ride home for the first time in a convertable with it's top down.
It was a great day overall. I didn't get to talk with Kelly for as long as I had hoped, as I neglected my phone while at Jordan's party and, by the time I got home and settled into bed for the evening, Kel had decided that it was his bedtime. I was really hoping that he'd call so I could tell him about my day without forgetting anything memorable--and simply to hear the sound of the voice that I love so much--but he didn't seem up for it. He did offer to call for ten minutes but I knew that wouldn't be sufficient for me. As upset as I am that it didn't work out, sleep is more important and blah blah blah and I can wait until he really does miss me enought to make time. Meh; I'm bitter about being left behind...
I spent a fair amount of the morning laying in bed texting. I was able to carry on a very slow conversation with Kelly and make plans with my friend Shelby to hop from one grad party to the next. The apparant absence of Kelly on this beautiful summer morning was weighing heavily on me, and I had a pretty bad attitude for most of the morning. Things started to pick up when I began getting ready for the parties, but this nagging feeling of lonliness just wouldn't go away.
Shelby picked me up around 12:30 and our first party of the day was Brittny's. A former friend of mine, Sydnie, was there; the falling out of our friendship was... messy but enough time has passed and no serious altercation happened. We were sitting at the same table, almost across from one another, with our mutual friends. She didn't engage in conversation nor looked me in the eye and I returned the favor. We headed to a couple more parties but didn't stay long at many of them.
The final party of the day for me was for my friend Jordan. I've known him since my sophomore year and his was the one party of the day that I was going to go to whether my friends were going to show up or not. I got the biggest hug from him and, while I was in the air in the middle of my hug, I heard someone ask Jordan "Now, why didn't I get a hug like that?" and that's when I felt special. Maybe an hour into the party, my friend Caleb (who played football with Jordan) showed up. Caleb and I spent the rest of my time there lost in conversation. Shelby came over to us about an hour into our gossip and informed me that she was heading to the next party, but I chose to stay and talk to Caleb longer knowing that I live no more than two blocks from Jordan. When Caleb saw me turn her down he offered me a ride home, but I didn't see it necessary.
People would periodiclally come over and talk to Caleb and I. I felt a little guilty because I stole Caleb within ten minutes of his arrival; the guilt went away when he and Jordan made plans with a few of their other friends from football for later that night. Three or so hours of conversation had passed and I decided to head out. Caleb insisted on taking me home despite it being so close. By happy accident, Caleb was friving his father's 2003 BMW convertable so, naturally, I got a memorable ride home for the first time in a convertable with it's top down.
It was a great day overall. I didn't get to talk with Kelly for as long as I had hoped, as I neglected my phone while at Jordan's party and, by the time I got home and settled into bed for the evening, Kel had decided that it was his bedtime. I was really hoping that he'd call so I could tell him about my day without forgetting anything memorable--and simply to hear the sound of the voice that I love so much--but he didn't seem up for it. He did offer to call for ten minutes but I knew that wouldn't be sufficient for me. As upset as I am that it didn't work out, sleep is more important and blah blah blah and I can wait until he really does miss me enought to make time. Meh; I'm bitter about being left behind...
5.21.2011
50 Days/Graduation Day
Today was the big day. Both the official graduation from high school, the graduation party, and the day Kelly leaves for Illinois.
Woke up at 7:45 this morning so Kelly and I could get to his house and help set up for the graduation. Immediately upon arrival, we hopped in the shower and started our cleaning there. I put my sundress on, threw my hair up in a towel, and asked his mom what I could do to help. I'd do two tasks, go and dry my hair, then go do two more tasks, straighten my hair, two more tasks, etc. With everyone helping to get things ready, we had enough time to run to the bank for both Kelly and I. As I was filling out my deposit slip, I realized that the trip was seemingly frivolous because I'd end up back at the bank on Monday to deposit graduation money.
We got back to his house and I checked my Facebook where I was notified about a message from my godfather. This blew my damn mind. The message congratulated me on my graduation, informed me that a graduation card was in the mail, invited me to go out to Hawaii and stay with them whenever I choose, and expressed his sorrow about how he and I have lost touch. If I hadn't just put my eye makeup on, I wouldn't have held back the tears of joy that I was overwhelmed with upon reading his message.
Soon all was set up and ready to go. Dillon and his girlfriend, Kelsey, were the first to arrive, followed by the people who took us in when we left my father, and after that moment thinks become hazy. I was here and there, trying my best to spend time with friends and Kelly and Kelly's family and my mother & brother and Kelly himself. I couldn't have asked for a better graduation party; being surrounded by friends, my family, and people who've considered me family upon third meeting was too good too be true. So many different worlds combined today and it was extremely surreal to witness.
And graduation money! Oh my goodness; for something that happens every year in the early summertime, people give like you were the one of ten to graduate from your class of four-hundred. As to not be tacky and, in a sense, superficial, I won't disclose the amount that I recieved. I will, however, tell you that it is double than I expected to recieve--though I am absolutely grateful that I recieved anything at all.
---
It was nearing five o'clock, and Kel informed me that it was time to take me home. I obediently went up to his room and gathered my purse, yearbook, and overnight bag from getting ready nine hours earlier. I looked around his extremely empty room and was almost overcome with emotion. This is it. He's going, only to come back for fiftten days and leave once again. This is one of the, if the the final, time I'll be in his room getting ready to leave. I got ahold of myself and went downstairs to find Kelly; he took one look at me, read the saddness in my eyes, and kissed me. He knew how much I was hurting, knowing that he was going to take me home and immediately head out, leaving me without the half-hour goodbye that I was hoping for.
We reminisced about how awesome the party was for us on the way home, avoiding the topic that I'd be without the thing that keeps my world calm. The drive was too short for my liking, and I was home before I knew it. He helped bring my bags inside, but left the car running a if it was a sign for me that we wouldn't be persuaded to stay a mere five minutes longer. I got a nice long hug in the house, walked him out to his van, and kissed him as many times as he'd let me. Not a single tear fell. I watched him drive away and felt the same sting as I did last year when he went out to Illinois; the circumstances last year were extremely different, as I had a major hip surgery twenty-six days into his trip and it was the first time we'd ever spent more than a few days apart.
Tears have yet to fall, but I expect it to hit me eventually.
Woke up at 7:45 this morning so Kelly and I could get to his house and help set up for the graduation. Immediately upon arrival, we hopped in the shower and started our cleaning there. I put my sundress on, threw my hair up in a towel, and asked his mom what I could do to help. I'd do two tasks, go and dry my hair, then go do two more tasks, straighten my hair, two more tasks, etc. With everyone helping to get things ready, we had enough time to run to the bank for both Kelly and I. As I was filling out my deposit slip, I realized that the trip was seemingly frivolous because I'd end up back at the bank on Monday to deposit graduation money.
We got back to his house and I checked my Facebook where I was notified about a message from my godfather. This blew my damn mind. The message congratulated me on my graduation, informed me that a graduation card was in the mail, invited me to go out to Hawaii and stay with them whenever I choose, and expressed his sorrow about how he and I have lost touch. If I hadn't just put my eye makeup on, I wouldn't have held back the tears of joy that I was overwhelmed with upon reading his message.
Soon all was set up and ready to go. Dillon and his girlfriend, Kelsey, were the first to arrive, followed by the people who took us in when we left my father, and after that moment thinks become hazy. I was here and there, trying my best to spend time with friends and Kelly and Kelly's family and my mother & brother and Kelly himself. I couldn't have asked for a better graduation party; being surrounded by friends, my family, and people who've considered me family upon third meeting was too good too be true. So many different worlds combined today and it was extremely surreal to witness.
And graduation money! Oh my goodness; for something that happens every year in the early summertime, people give like you were the one of ten to graduate from your class of four-hundred. As to not be tacky and, in a sense, superficial, I won't disclose the amount that I recieved. I will, however, tell you that it is double than I expected to recieve--though I am absolutely grateful that I recieved anything at all.
---
It was nearing five o'clock, and Kel informed me that it was time to take me home. I obediently went up to his room and gathered my purse, yearbook, and overnight bag from getting ready nine hours earlier. I looked around his extremely empty room and was almost overcome with emotion. This is it. He's going, only to come back for fiftten days and leave once again. This is one of the, if the the final, time I'll be in his room getting ready to leave. I got ahold of myself and went downstairs to find Kelly; he took one look at me, read the saddness in my eyes, and kissed me. He knew how much I was hurting, knowing that he was going to take me home and immediately head out, leaving me without the half-hour goodbye that I was hoping for.
We reminisced about how awesome the party was for us on the way home, avoiding the topic that I'd be without the thing that keeps my world calm. The drive was too short for my liking, and I was home before I knew it. He helped bring my bags inside, but left the car running a if it was a sign for me that we wouldn't be persuaded to stay a mere five minutes longer. I got a nice long hug in the house, walked him out to his van, and kissed him as many times as he'd let me. Not a single tear fell. I watched him drive away and felt the same sting as I did last year when he went out to Illinois; the circumstances last year were extremely different, as I had a major hip surgery twenty-six days into his trip and it was the first time we'd ever spent more than a few days apart.
Tears have yet to fall, but I expect it to hit me eventually.
5.20.2011
51 Days
WOW. It's been a busy day. As I had expected, I did not get the quality time with Kelly that I had been picturing in my head for the past few weeks. However, I've found that it's been for the best; being around Kelly's family has kept me busy and my mind off the eminant departure(s).
Thursday night. We got the bed in, went back to his house for dinner, and then met up with the family coming in (Kel's father, aunt, and two sisters). We sat and talked to them and then took his (blood) sister, Ashley, back to his house to stay over. We, in fact, had a conversation on the way back to my house for the evening about the plans that we'd made and how he forgot about his family coming in Thursday was going to affect things. I was hurting and I was showing it. He was extremely standoffish, calling me things like selfish, but he did apologize for how it was making me feel; he doesn't apologize for thing unless he is truely sorry, but the apologies felt... almost scarcastic. We came to the conclusion that renting disk one of the fourth season of Dexter would be a good idea and that is how we spent the remainder of the evening.
Friday we woke up between 7:30 and 8:10. We went to his house to shower and pick up his sister and then we headed over to the motel that his aunt, dad, and half-sister were staying in. We went and got lunch at a BBQ place that I had never heard of before and the food was wonderful. Kelly's dad wanted to buy a turquoise ring for his girlfriend and, mistaken in the request from his aunt to "go shop", took us to Foot Hills mall where we ended up getting candy (and a plush Hello Kitty) and walking around. Eventually, we got to a ridiculously large pawn shop on Eisenhower; I swear you could spend days in there and find things you had yet to see. Unsure of the rings they had, we drove back down Eisenhower to a quaint little store filled with geodes and necklace pendants. I was pulled aside by Kelly who handed me what I had thought was $20 from his father; he explained that it was my graduation from his father because he didn't know what to get me. We soon ended our browsing there and went back to the pawn shop where I not only got the chance to properly thank his father but found the cutest lace fan. It was when I was purchasing it that I realized the $20 was in fact a $50. For people whom I've known for a little more than five months, they really seem to care for and spoil me. Really makes me wonder just how awful I am in the lies my father tells his family.
It was around four o'clock when we headed back up to Fort Collins to the motel so Kel, his sisters, and I could go swimming. The water felt gross on my skin, had a few dead flies floating in it, and the hot tub was far from hot, so swimming wasn't a long activity. We returned to the room and ordered dinner from Silvermine Subs. Kelly and I were back at my house by 8:30 at the latest and were able to finish disk one of Dexter.
Thursday night. We got the bed in, went back to his house for dinner, and then met up with the family coming in (Kel's father, aunt, and two sisters). We sat and talked to them and then took his (blood) sister, Ashley, back to his house to stay over. We, in fact, had a conversation on the way back to my house for the evening about the plans that we'd made and how he forgot about his family coming in Thursday was going to affect things. I was hurting and I was showing it. He was extremely standoffish, calling me things like selfish, but he did apologize for how it was making me feel; he doesn't apologize for thing unless he is truely sorry, but the apologies felt... almost scarcastic. We came to the conclusion that renting disk one of the fourth season of Dexter would be a good idea and that is how we spent the remainder of the evening.
Friday we woke up between 7:30 and 8:10. We went to his house to shower and pick up his sister and then we headed over to the motel that his aunt, dad, and half-sister were staying in. We went and got lunch at a BBQ place that I had never heard of before and the food was wonderful. Kelly's dad wanted to buy a turquoise ring for his girlfriend and, mistaken in the request from his aunt to "go shop", took us to Foot Hills mall where we ended up getting candy (and a plush Hello Kitty) and walking around. Eventually, we got to a ridiculously large pawn shop on Eisenhower; I swear you could spend days in there and find things you had yet to see. Unsure of the rings they had, we drove back down Eisenhower to a quaint little store filled with geodes and necklace pendants. I was pulled aside by Kelly who handed me what I had thought was $20 from his father; he explained that it was my graduation from his father because he didn't know what to get me. We soon ended our browsing there and went back to the pawn shop where I not only got the chance to properly thank his father but found the cutest lace fan. It was when I was purchasing it that I realized the $20 was in fact a $50. For people whom I've known for a little more than five months, they really seem to care for and spoil me. Really makes me wonder just how awful I am in the lies my father tells his family.
It was around four o'clock when we headed back up to Fort Collins to the motel so Kel, his sisters, and I could go swimming. The water felt gross on my skin, had a few dead flies floating in it, and the hot tub was far from hot, so swimming wasn't a long activity. We returned to the room and ordered dinner from Silvermine Subs. Kelly and I were back at my house by 8:30 at the latest and were able to finish disk one of Dexter.
5.19.2011
52 Days
My first night in Kelly's bed was... not all that great. I had problems falling asleep because I was so low to the ground--I only had the mattress, mind you. At one point early on into the night, I rolled over and curled up with what I had thought was Kelly but turned out to be a big pile of my comforter. It was extremely saddening. I woke up several times throughout the night and finally got up for good at 7:20.
Another problem I had last night was that I just couldn't shut my mind off. I kept thinking that the normalcy of our relationship was long gone and that I wouldn't actually get anymore time with him before he goes, thinking that all we'd get the chance to do would be sleep next to each other and then we'd need to go do something with others or he'd have to go help someone with something. I became increasingly worried that the few plans we had for the rest of the week wouldn't work out and that it'd feel like we'd been apart longer than the twenty days that we really will.
When I woke up, those thoughts began to feel less and less realistic and I was able to refocus on reality. Kelly brought over the rest of the bed around noon today. We had it assembled in what felt like record time, and then we grabbed lunch and went to his house to return the bungee cords and put the seats back in the van. We sat and taked for twenty or so minutes before begginning the few things we were there to do, and watched this week's episode of South Park when we had finished.
We retuned to my house and had less than an hour before PT. We ate all of the canteloupe that my mom had cut up into chunks for us and had about ten minutes to curl up together before it was time for him to go. He'll get done in a few hours and then we will go to his house for dinner. After dinner we'll drive into Fort Collins where we will meet up with his dad, two sisters, and aunt so we can take his sister, Ashley, back to her his house to stay the night. We plan to rent Dexter and watch the first disk of season four, but a gut feeling tells me that it won't work out that way...
Another problem I had last night was that I just couldn't shut my mind off. I kept thinking that the normalcy of our relationship was long gone and that I wouldn't actually get anymore time with him before he goes, thinking that all we'd get the chance to do would be sleep next to each other and then we'd need to go do something with others or he'd have to go help someone with something. I became increasingly worried that the few plans we had for the rest of the week wouldn't work out and that it'd feel like we'd been apart longer than the twenty days that we really will.
When I woke up, those thoughts began to feel less and less realistic and I was able to refocus on reality. Kelly brought over the rest of the bed around noon today. We had it assembled in what felt like record time, and then we grabbed lunch and went to his house to return the bungee cords and put the seats back in the van. We sat and taked for twenty or so minutes before begginning the few things we were there to do, and watched this week's episode of South Park when we had finished.
We retuned to my house and had less than an hour before PT. We ate all of the canteloupe that my mom had cut up into chunks for us and had about ten minutes to curl up together before it was time for him to go. He'll get done in a few hours and then we will go to his house for dinner. After dinner we'll drive into Fort Collins where we will meet up with his dad, two sisters, and aunt so we can take his sister, Ashley, back to her his house to stay the night. We plan to rent Dexter and watch the first disk of season four, but a gut feeling tells me that it won't work out that way...
5.18.2011
53 Days
It's Wednesday, but more specifically it's my first day of summer. I woke up at 8:44, had a bowl of peanut butter Capt'n Crunch, and watched the news--no rush to get in the shower and get my hair done in about an hour. I did, however, have to get back to my cleaning as soon as I had finished my bowl of cereal.
I hauled a twin mattress and boxspring (Mom's old set) out to the garage to get it out of the hallway. I stripped the sheets from my bed and got what I needed in the washer. I hauled my mattress halfway down the staircase when I remembered that my brother wanted it, so I lugged it back up. I then hauled down my boxspring to the garage, followed by my bed frame, and then vaccumed the void where my bed was. All before 11.
I then showered, checked my final grades, and planned on continuing to pick my bedroom for the next hour or so until Kelly showed up. My final grades are...
Computer Applications: 97.33%
Mythology and Science Fiction: 96.73%
Algebra 2: 76.2%
Finance: 93.84%
Food Science: 93.97%
When it comes to Kelly picking me up, things kept getting pushed back; first I was supposed to take my brother to lunch so I had him wait a little. Then I was told I wasn't going to lunch so I reverted back to origional plans. When I told Kelly that I'd be on time, he informed me that he was going to have lunch and then come get me. Maybe fifteen minutes passes by and I hear my mom explaining to my brother that I wan't going to be home for the next three nights and that the next time he'd see me is at the grad party, and then I hear my brother on the phone ordering pizza for lunch. She comes up and asks if it was ok for him to order, saying that she only okayed it because "I wasn't going to be here and he's going to eat it for both lunch and dinner". I then inform her that I was going to be home and reminded her that I had asked if Kel could stay over on Thursday and Friday. To make up for it, she paid for my lunch at Qdoba.
We went to Dillon's for a few hours and then went back to Kelly's house for dinner. After hearing the weather report, we decided that today was the best day to get the mattress over to my house. So we loaded it up in the van drove it over and carried the heavy thing upstairs. Now I won't keep getting stupid looks for getting all the prep done today, leaving myself to sleep on the floor. Ha!
I hauled a twin mattress and boxspring (Mom's old set) out to the garage to get it out of the hallway. I stripped the sheets from my bed and got what I needed in the washer. I hauled my mattress halfway down the staircase when I remembered that my brother wanted it, so I lugged it back up. I then hauled down my boxspring to the garage, followed by my bed frame, and then vaccumed the void where my bed was. All before 11.
I then showered, checked my final grades, and planned on continuing to pick my bedroom for the next hour or so until Kelly showed up. My final grades are...
Computer Applications: 97.33%
Mythology and Science Fiction: 96.73%
Algebra 2: 76.2%
Finance: 93.84%
Food Science: 93.97%
When it comes to Kelly picking me up, things kept getting pushed back; first I was supposed to take my brother to lunch so I had him wait a little. Then I was told I wasn't going to lunch so I reverted back to origional plans. When I told Kelly that I'd be on time, he informed me that he was going to have lunch and then come get me. Maybe fifteen minutes passes by and I hear my mom explaining to my brother that I wan't going to be home for the next three nights and that the next time he'd see me is at the grad party, and then I hear my brother on the phone ordering pizza for lunch. She comes up and asks if it was ok for him to order, saying that she only okayed it because "I wasn't going to be here and he's going to eat it for both lunch and dinner". I then inform her that I was going to be home and reminded her that I had asked if Kel could stay over on Thursday and Friday. To make up for it, she paid for my lunch at Qdoba.
We went to Dillon's for a few hours and then went back to Kelly's house for dinner. After hearing the weather report, we decided that today was the best day to get the mattress over to my house. So we loaded it up in the van drove it over and carried the heavy thing upstairs. Now I won't keep getting stupid looks for getting all the prep done today, leaving myself to sleep on the floor. Ha!
5.17.2011
54 Days
----------8:37 am----------
I'm attending my last day of high school ever. I'm in my first hour class for the last time ever! Thank the lord above; I hated this class.
Super excited today; I could hardly sleep last night. I didn't have too much to do last night, so I went to bed earlier than normal. In turn, I was up before six. I'm drinking an energy drink and calling it breakfast, hoping that it helps me last through my next two finals. My hands are already shaking.
Signing yearbooks and taking dinals is the theme of the day. After school, I go over to Kelly's house to, basically, watch him do chores. He told me last night that he wants me over, and I think this was the intention, so he didn't feel like he was ignoring me. Um, he's going to be doing chores the entire time: a load of yard work, cleaning his bedroom and bathroom, running errands. So, I'll get a few calls made to figure out college financing and probably take a quick nap.
----------6:24 pm----------
Kelly's house was exactly as I had expected it to be: kinda boring. I did help him clean his bathroom and pick up his bedroom, and that gave me something to do. The college calls were short and I didn't hear what I wanted to hear. I also got to talk to Namtam for a short while, but he called because he was bored and didn't seem to have the intention to make a conversation.
Finals were close to what I had expected it to be. My mythology final went extremely well. We had to watch the movie Inception and list seven archetypes, ten qualities of a hero, and thirteen stages in a hero cycle. I watched the movie on Sunday so I'd have a grasp on what to write; I got a 100% on it. As for math, I'm pretty sure that I'd be better off if I didn't take the final exam. I ended up with a migraine after guessing on most of it.
Tonight, I shall spend my time cleaning my room. I've been anxious to get rid of old clothes and things I once called keepsakes but are now nothing morethan dusty objects. It's also driven by the fact that I get Kelly's bed this Thursday or Friday. My room'll need--or, rather, I insist that my room will be decluttered, dusted, organized, and ready for it. There are already several very large garbage filled with donation items that have been sitting in the garage for longer than I care to remember, and I plan on contributing to the mess and hounding my mother to get it out to Good Will before the summer is over.
I'm attending my last day of high school ever. I'm in my first hour class for the last time ever! Thank the lord above; I hated this class.
Super excited today; I could hardly sleep last night. I didn't have too much to do last night, so I went to bed earlier than normal. In turn, I was up before six. I'm drinking an energy drink and calling it breakfast, hoping that it helps me last through my next two finals. My hands are already shaking.
Signing yearbooks and taking dinals is the theme of the day. After school, I go over to Kelly's house to, basically, watch him do chores. He told me last night that he wants me over, and I think this was the intention, so he didn't feel like he was ignoring me. Um, he's going to be doing chores the entire time: a load of yard work, cleaning his bedroom and bathroom, running errands. So, I'll get a few calls made to figure out college financing and probably take a quick nap.
----------6:24 pm----------
Kelly's house was exactly as I had expected it to be: kinda boring. I did help him clean his bathroom and pick up his bedroom, and that gave me something to do. The college calls were short and I didn't hear what I wanted to hear. I also got to talk to Namtam for a short while, but he called because he was bored and didn't seem to have the intention to make a conversation.
Finals were close to what I had expected it to be. My mythology final went extremely well. We had to watch the movie Inception and list seven archetypes, ten qualities of a hero, and thirteen stages in a hero cycle. I watched the movie on Sunday so I'd have a grasp on what to write; I got a 100% on it. As for math, I'm pretty sure that I'd be better off if I didn't take the final exam. I ended up with a migraine after guessing on most of it.
Tonight, I shall spend my time cleaning my room. I've been anxious to get rid of old clothes and things I once called keepsakes but are now nothing morethan dusty objects. It's also driven by the fact that I get Kelly's bed this Thursday or Friday. My room'll need--or, rather, I insist that my room will be decluttered, dusted, organized, and ready for it. There are already several very large garbage filled with donation items that have been sitting in the garage for longer than I care to remember, and I plan on contributing to the mess and hounding my mother to get it out to Good Will before the summer is over.
5.16.2011
55 Days
Last night was bad. I was relaxing in bed watching SNL when I heard my brother yelling at someone. I texted my Mom to ask just who it was and she replied with one word: "Paul". I went downstairs to learn what the topic of converation was with my father. It was, of course, about my father's blatant disregard for the fact that he is a father; more specifically, it was about our cell phone bill. Paul wasn't having any of it. He instructed Carter to "call him Monday" so they could talk when Carter had "calmed down". After being instructed several times that he'd be dealt with later, Carter shouted "Call me when you're off the drugs" and hung up on him.
My brother was clearly putout by the entire phone call, and changed if Facebook status to "Position opening father/dad". The ever classy Paul commmented on it, to which my brother replied at length and called him ignorant. My father then texted my mother, citing the "FB status" as his cause to end all support: the small amount every month and the cell phone bill. At this news, I began to worry a little more about the future. I can't imagine how bad it would be for both Kelly and I to lact cell phones while he's in Illinois, and then there's my flight and trip there, Kelly leaving for basic, and getting to FRCC everyday (8.2 miles driving but much, much more by city bus). Mom came into my bedroom and insisted that I have more faith in her. Sure enough, I woke up this morning and learned that she was in fact able to keep their agreement in place. Thankfully...
Now on a happier note...
Today was my last Monday of high school ever. I know that these "Last time I'll ever..." statements are becoming increasingly redundant, especially if you are a graduating senior this year with a Facebook, but not too many of my family members (even the ones who've decided to no longer be family) have graduated from high school the traditional way. I had even lost track of how many times my NannaMary congratulated me on my upcoming graduation when I spoke to her on Mother's Day.
This was also the last Monday of my life as I currently know it. It's interesting. I guess it's a good thing that these "last"s are on my mind, as I've been able to make the most of the time. Today after scool for example; Kelly and I rented and watched the last two disks for season three of Dexter with the intention of renting season four sometime later this week. We also learned from the guy at Showtime Video that season five comes out in August. I guess that'll be nice to watch with Kel during his leave after basic... around November.
I am also proud to say that I didn't lose my cool and cry today. I am increasingly nostalgic, yes, but I was able to calm those annoying thoughts that the sky was soon to be falling. I hope to keep that up at least until Friday. I can't have a big bad emotional day on Saturday when he leaves because we've our graduation party that day. I'm holding my head up higher, and I think I got this.
My brother was clearly putout by the entire phone call, and changed if Facebook status to "Position opening father/dad". The ever classy Paul commmented on it, to which my brother replied at length and called him ignorant. My father then texted my mother, citing the "FB status" as his cause to end all support: the small amount every month and the cell phone bill. At this news, I began to worry a little more about the future. I can't imagine how bad it would be for both Kelly and I to lact cell phones while he's in Illinois, and then there's my flight and trip there, Kelly leaving for basic, and getting to FRCC everyday (8.2 miles driving but much, much more by city bus). Mom came into my bedroom and insisted that I have more faith in her. Sure enough, I woke up this morning and learned that she was in fact able to keep their agreement in place. Thankfully...
Now on a happier note...
Today was my last Monday of high school ever. I know that these "Last time I'll ever..." statements are becoming increasingly redundant, especially if you are a graduating senior this year with a Facebook, but not too many of my family members (even the ones who've decided to no longer be family) have graduated from high school the traditional way. I had even lost track of how many times my NannaMary congratulated me on my upcoming graduation when I spoke to her on Mother's Day.
This was also the last Monday of my life as I currently know it. It's interesting. I guess it's a good thing that these "last"s are on my mind, as I've been able to make the most of the time. Today after scool for example; Kelly and I rented and watched the last two disks for season three of Dexter with the intention of renting season four sometime later this week. We also learned from the guy at Showtime Video that season five comes out in August. I guess that'll be nice to watch with Kel during his leave after basic... around November.
I am also proud to say that I didn't lose my cool and cry today. I am increasingly nostalgic, yes, but I was able to calm those annoying thoughts that the sky was soon to be falling. I hope to keep that up at least until Friday. I can't have a big bad emotional day on Saturday when he leaves because we've our graduation party that day. I'm holding my head up higher, and I think I got this.
5.15.2011
56 Days
I'm pretty sure that I've hit the breaking point. He leaves in six days. My abandonment problems are getting the absolute worst of me. I swear, I'm losing my damn mind.
Subconsciously, I've done things to push him away so I'm not the one that ends up hurt. It's wrong, and I've never done it intentionally. Now I can see why my subconscious was so fervent to push him away. It really hurts. I think the trip to Illinois makes it much worse too. He's leaving, but not officially. It'll be a tease... to spend twenty days apart, see him for exactly twenty-nine days, and then watch him leave again for the next four months.
It doesn't help that my father is continuing to royally screw things up. He's attempting to have absolutely no responsibility as a parent. He has helped us out here and there, paid our cell phones, and sent a small amount every month to help us get by. Despite his help, we still have difficulty getting by each month. During the divorce mediation meeting, my father and mother had it worked out so he'd continue to do things to help us get by and she wouldn't make him pay more in spousal maintance and child support. However, she never got it in witing. As soon as things were finalized, my father decided that the T-Mobile bill was "too much" for him to pay. Now, he's taking it out of the small amount he sends us. Mom got the bill lowered and tried to negotiate him paying for half and taking the remainder out of the monthly cash. He won't. He passed the bill on to his mother, who in turn sent us an e-mail saying that she is "not obliged to assist us" if we don't lower the bill further.
So, naturally, it is the perfect time for my father to cut our cell phones. Right as Kelly leaves for Illinois so I've limited communication with him. Right before I to go out to Illinois. Right before I'm supposed to figure out how to get to FRCC everyday for classes; whether I'm driving (PLEASE, GOD! HELP!) or taking the city bus, I'd like my phone in case of an emergency. ...fucking ass hole.
We'd love nothing more than to be able to pay our own cell phone bill and not need his assistance every month. Simply to show them that they aren't needed and that by choosing to distance themselves (which, thanks to the myraid of LIES my father has told about us since my childhood, they've all done), they're losing nothing and only gaining the knowledge that we're not considered family any longer. They've all, essentially, abandoned us.
See? This HAS to be where I get all these abandonment issues from. That and Mom being sick throughout my childhood; she'd be in the hospital for weeks on end, leaving my brother and I with that tyrant of a father. All those years, I felt utterly alone and unwanted. My father only spent time with me when he was taking my brother and I out to the park or to dinner. I didn't spend time with him alone until he began driving me to school in the morning when we lived in Texas; I was over the age of 12.
It's felt like everyone I've been close to, or supposd to be close to, has left. I can't let Kelly go...
Subconsciously, I've done things to push him away so I'm not the one that ends up hurt. It's wrong, and I've never done it intentionally. Now I can see why my subconscious was so fervent to push him away. It really hurts. I think the trip to Illinois makes it much worse too. He's leaving, but not officially. It'll be a tease... to spend twenty days apart, see him for exactly twenty-nine days, and then watch him leave again for the next four months.
It doesn't help that my father is continuing to royally screw things up. He's attempting to have absolutely no responsibility as a parent. He has helped us out here and there, paid our cell phones, and sent a small amount every month to help us get by. Despite his help, we still have difficulty getting by each month. During the divorce mediation meeting, my father and mother had it worked out so he'd continue to do things to help us get by and she wouldn't make him pay more in spousal maintance and child support. However, she never got it in witing. As soon as things were finalized, my father decided that the T-Mobile bill was "too much" for him to pay. Now, he's taking it out of the small amount he sends us. Mom got the bill lowered and tried to negotiate him paying for half and taking the remainder out of the monthly cash. He won't. He passed the bill on to his mother, who in turn sent us an e-mail saying that she is "not obliged to assist us" if we don't lower the bill further.
So, naturally, it is the perfect time for my father to cut our cell phones. Right as Kelly leaves for Illinois so I've limited communication with him. Right before I to go out to Illinois. Right before I'm supposed to figure out how to get to FRCC everyday for classes; whether I'm driving (PLEASE, GOD! HELP!) or taking the city bus, I'd like my phone in case of an emergency. ...fucking ass hole.
We'd love nothing more than to be able to pay our own cell phone bill and not need his assistance every month. Simply to show them that they aren't needed and that by choosing to distance themselves (which, thanks to the myraid of LIES my father has told about us since my childhood, they've all done), they're losing nothing and only gaining the knowledge that we're not considered family any longer. They've all, essentially, abandoned us.
See? This HAS to be where I get all these abandonment issues from. That and Mom being sick throughout my childhood; she'd be in the hospital for weeks on end, leaving my brother and I with that tyrant of a father. All those years, I felt utterly alone and unwanted. My father only spent time with me when he was taking my brother and I out to the park or to dinner. I didn't spend time with him alone until he began driving me to school in the morning when we lived in Texas; I was over the age of 12.
It's felt like everyone I've been close to, or supposd to be close to, has left. I can't let Kelly go...
5.14.2011
Things To Do With Kelly Before 7.11.11
To-Do:
--Eat a meal at Hu Hot
--Go to the driving range
--Go to the Drive In at least once
--Watch through season three of Dexter
--Watch through season four of Dexter
--Eat lunch at Steak 'n Shake in Illinois
--Watch the sunset over Lake Loveland
more to come...
--Eat a meal at Hu Hot
--Go to the driving range
--Go to the Drive In at least once
--Watch through season four of Dexter
--Eat lunch at Steak 'n Shake in Illinois
--Watch the sunset over Lake Loveland
more to come...
5.13.2011
58 Days
It was my last Friday attending manditory public schooling--and it was Friday the 13th no less. I am a bit superstitious but I did't avoid walking on cracks or anything today. It does, however, explain the events of today.
First hour finished up, and I walked down the hall to my myth class. I had sent a text to Kel asking if he wanted a bagel to eat during the movie we were supposed to watch during the hour. I hadn't heard back, so I was antsy to get to the school store before it closed. He finally walked in the room after what felt like five minutes. Heset his backpack on his desk and walked across the room to me. I asked if he was indeed hungry and he attempts to shove a water bottle filled with milk in my mouth, midsentence. Irrated, I repeated the question and he said he didn't, but that I needed to go and get one myself. I tried to explain that I wasn't going to have one if he wasn't, and he didn't seem to grasp the concept. I reitterated myself in, what I can only assume to be, a tone. He snapped : "What the fuck is your problem?!". Now, we don't curse at each other, and we sure as hell don't get pissy during class with each other. I was embarassed, and the outburst made me beging to cry and shake. I picked up my purse and notebook and I ended up walking out of myth in tears before the bell had even wrang.
I spent that class period in the passenger seat of his minivan, listening to my iPod and trying to convince him that I wasn't going to return to class. We texted the entire hour and I couldn't seem to win with anything I had to say. He wouldn't tell me if he wanted to stay over, stating that I "was the one upset" and that it was "[my] house, [my] bed". He wouldn't even apologize, saying that I was the one who "overreacted", thus blaming me and becoming increasingly angry that I wasn't in class. I couldn't understand why he seemed upset. I didn't run out of the room sobbing, knocking three people over in the process. There was no way he could've been completely embarassed by my absence. I'm starting to feel that he feels responsible for me missing the class period; therefore, if I were to return to class, he wouldn't feel guilty that I missed a day that I needed to attend.
The bell wrang for lunch, he came out to the car, and we ate McDonald's. We spoke very little: what I wanted to eat; if I was ready to go back to school; if there was something I wanted to talk about. I ended up frustraded and leaving him in the van before it was time to go inside.
Ya know, I wanted him to come after me both times and simply give me a hug. Nada.
I went to my math class in a huff. I spent most of the time listening to my iPod and working on my review packet. The rest of the time I was either helping Hunter (who told me that I'd pass my math final "like a g6") with his work or working on a problem with Lianna. Somehow, I actually started to feel less crappy. Who knew my math class could make things better.
We got outta school and I was finally ready to talk. It definitly helped that his mood wasn't awful, winking at me as he approached me. We went and got the ingredients for dinner, went back to school to pick up our yearbooks, and came back to my house. I ended up crying a little more, mostly from overall frustration with this crappy day. Kelly is still spending the night. He's taking a nap while I kill time before I need to go downstairs and make dinner. I'm hoping that venting all this will make the night go smoother.
First hour finished up, and I walked down the hall to my myth class. I had sent a text to Kel asking if he wanted a bagel to eat during the movie we were supposed to watch during the hour. I hadn't heard back, so I was antsy to get to the school store before it closed. He finally walked in the room after what felt like five minutes. Heset his backpack on his desk and walked across the room to me. I asked if he was indeed hungry and he attempts to shove a water bottle filled with milk in my mouth, midsentence. Irrated, I repeated the question and he said he didn't, but that I needed to go and get one myself. I tried to explain that I wasn't going to have one if he wasn't, and he didn't seem to grasp the concept. I reitterated myself in, what I can only assume to be, a tone. He snapped : "What the fuck is your problem?!". Now, we don't curse at each other, and we sure as hell don't get pissy during class with each other. I was embarassed, and the outburst made me beging to cry and shake. I picked up my purse and notebook and I ended up walking out of myth in tears before the bell had even wrang.
I spent that class period in the passenger seat of his minivan, listening to my iPod and trying to convince him that I wasn't going to return to class. We texted the entire hour and I couldn't seem to win with anything I had to say. He wouldn't tell me if he wanted to stay over, stating that I "was the one upset" and that it was "[my] house, [my] bed". He wouldn't even apologize, saying that I was the one who "overreacted", thus blaming me and becoming increasingly angry that I wasn't in class. I couldn't understand why he seemed upset. I didn't run out of the room sobbing, knocking three people over in the process. There was no way he could've been completely embarassed by my absence. I'm starting to feel that he feels responsible for me missing the class period; therefore, if I were to return to class, he wouldn't feel guilty that I missed a day that I needed to attend.
The bell wrang for lunch, he came out to the car, and we ate McDonald's. We spoke very little: what I wanted to eat; if I was ready to go back to school; if there was something I wanted to talk about. I ended up frustraded and leaving him in the van before it was time to go inside.
Ya know, I wanted him to come after me both times and simply give me a hug. Nada.
I went to my math class in a huff. I spent most of the time listening to my iPod and working on my review packet. The rest of the time I was either helping Hunter (who told me that I'd pass my math final "like a g6") with his work or working on a problem with Lianna. Somehow, I actually started to feel less crappy. Who knew my math class could make things better.
We got outta school and I was finally ready to talk. It definitly helped that his mood wasn't awful, winking at me as he approached me. We went and got the ingredients for dinner, went back to school to pick up our yearbooks, and came back to my house. I ended up crying a little more, mostly from overall frustration with this crappy day. Kelly is still spending the night. He's taking a nap while I kill time before I need to go downstairs and make dinner. I'm hoping that venting all this will make the night go smoother.
5.12.2011
59 Days
Last night was the Senior Awards Night. Now, I didn’t apply for many scholarships simply because I had tuition covered after the Pell Grant, so I wasn’t honored. Kelly, however, was. He was presented with a fairly large check (in both size and amount) for early enlistment--$83,000. Technically speaking, it’s the G.I. Bill so he’d have gotten the money anyway, but it was nice for him to be recognized for joining early.
I didn’t get enough sleep last night, seeing how I got home at 9:10 after the two hour ceremony. Surprisingly, the lack of sleep didn’t make me extremely grumpy—only slightly disassociated during my first hour class. We got of school at 10:57, got lunch courtesy of Mom (because she wanted a McDonald’s shake), filled up the car, got stamps, went to the bank to make a deposit, and came back to my house. We got inside and Kelly dashed upstairs to my room while I went to the kitchen and began cleaning. Mom has been sick—like flu sick—since, oh, Tuesday(?) so I’ve been helping out a little more than usual. I found Kel in my bedroom finishing up some more Army stuff for the ever-pending promotion. I played my recording of last night’s ANTM, and he had completed all the… assignments about half way through the episode. We watched some more TV, took a little personal time for ourselves, and before we knew it, it was time for Kel to leave for PT.
So here I am at home, slowly cleaning and picking up around the house. I’m going over and over and over college details and needs, shopping for a couple summer items—but mostly feeling the empty feeling I already have for an absence that hasn’t occurred. I’ve realized that he’s somewhere between the man of my dreams and the man of nightmares. I’ll love him until the world ends and I sincerely feel that he is perfect for me, but the idea of a constant absence and constant loneliness is a little far from ideal for me. I’ll get over it, I know I will. I’ve yet to erase the thought that once he leaves for Illinois, the relationship I know and love will be forever changed—but it’s still true. I’m not dwelling on it as much, however. It sorta just… stopped popping into mind after the hold was removed from my FRCC account. I’m happier when I’m not dwelling constantly.
Things’re easier with my future all set up. That’s for sure.
I didn’t get enough sleep last night, seeing how I got home at 9:10 after the two hour ceremony. Surprisingly, the lack of sleep didn’t make me extremely grumpy—only slightly disassociated during my first hour class. We got of school at 10:57, got lunch courtesy of Mom (because she wanted a McDonald’s shake), filled up the car, got stamps, went to the bank to make a deposit, and came back to my house. We got inside and Kelly dashed upstairs to my room while I went to the kitchen and began cleaning. Mom has been sick—like flu sick—since, oh, Tuesday(?) so I’ve been helping out a little more than usual. I found Kel in my bedroom finishing up some more Army stuff for the ever-pending promotion. I played my recording of last night’s ANTM, and he had completed all the… assignments about half way through the episode. We watched some more TV, took a little personal time for ourselves, and before we knew it, it was time for Kel to leave for PT.
So here I am at home, slowly cleaning and picking up around the house. I’m going over and over and over college details and needs, shopping for a couple summer items—but mostly feeling the empty feeling I already have for an absence that hasn’t occurred. I’ve realized that he’s somewhere between the man of my dreams and the man of nightmares. I’ll love him until the world ends and I sincerely feel that he is perfect for me, but the idea of a constant absence and constant loneliness is a little far from ideal for me. I’ll get over it, I know I will. I’ve yet to erase the thought that once he leaves for Illinois, the relationship I know and love will be forever changed—but it’s still true. I’m not dwelling on it as much, however. It sorta just… stopped popping into mind after the hold was removed from my FRCC account. I’m happier when I’m not dwelling constantly.
Things’re easier with my future all set up. That’s for sure.
5.11.2011
For The First Time--The Script
For The First Time Lyrics
She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While i'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time
I've git a new job now in the umemploymentline
And we don't know we got into this mess it's a gods test
Someone hulp us cause we're doing our best
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gunna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time
She's in line at the door with her head held high
While I just lost my job but didn't lose my flight
But we both know how we're gonna make it work when it hurts
When you pick yourself up you get kicked in the dirt
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gunna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time
For the first time
Oh, for the first time
Yeah, for the first time
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While i'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time
I've git a new job now in the umemploymentline
And we don't know we got into this mess it's a gods test
Someone hulp us cause we're doing our best
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gunna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time
She's in line at the door with her head held high
While I just lost my job but didn't lose my flight
But we both know how we're gonna make it work when it hurts
When you pick yourself up you get kicked in the dirt
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gunna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time
For the first time
Oh, for the first time
Yeah, for the first time
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
5.10.2011
61 Days
Oh, I am having a day!
Typical Tuesday at school. Got out at 10:57, grabbed lunch at McDonald's with Kel. We took it back to my house to eat, and then went upstairs to watch Happy Tree Friends until Mom's friend, Holly, could pick me up to take me to FRCC so I can take the placement test for math. She shows up, early, around noon. We head up to Fort Collins and she drops me off on campus with the instruction, as her daughter is soon to graduate from FRCC, that the building was in the area.
Lucky for me, the Student Center is the first building I find, and it just so happens to contain the testing center. I go in, had the lady my ACT scores, and she sends me in to take the math portion. I bombed the math portion, and it was some easy math; I had forgotten that I could use the calculator on the computer to answer the questions. I ended up reccomended for Pre-Algebra... I'm instructed to go to the Information window and schedule a meeting with an advisor.
I talk to someone and she tells me that I need to take this Getting Started meeting--the next one starting at three--and then I could meet with someone. With two hours to wait, I go outside and call my best friend, Namtam, to pass the time. I go back inside after 80 minutes to sign in and cool off. Someone else tells me "No... the last meeting for the day was at 2:00pm". OH MY WORD. I was sitting there, outside the office, when I could have been in the damned meeting...
She apologizes for her co-workers fuck up, and schedules a meeting with an advisor for me. I sit down in an uncomfortable red chair and wait. Thirty-some minutes later, my name is called and I get my meeting with an advisor. We go over admittance and classes and balancing a job and school.
I get home to learn that I now have the nastiest looking sunburn from the tanktop I was wearing. My mom chews me out and leaves butthurt because I want to finish my education at the University of Washington in Seattle despite my father living in the area. It's... disheartning, as her input isn't what I'm looking for. I've gone to school wherever she's wanted to live for the past thirteen years. I'd much rather hear from Kelly, saying he wants to be based at whatever base and have him suggest that I finish up at their university. Every time I ask him, he tells me that it's my life and that I need to be selfish and go where I want because it's what I want. UGH.
Typical Tuesday at school. Got out at 10:57, grabbed lunch at McDonald's with Kel. We took it back to my house to eat, and then went upstairs to watch Happy Tree Friends until Mom's friend, Holly, could pick me up to take me to FRCC so I can take the placement test for math. She shows up, early, around noon. We head up to Fort Collins and she drops me off on campus with the instruction, as her daughter is soon to graduate from FRCC, that the building was in the area.
Lucky for me, the Student Center is the first building I find, and it just so happens to contain the testing center. I go in, had the lady my ACT scores, and she sends me in to take the math portion. I bombed the math portion, and it was some easy math; I had forgotten that I could use the calculator on the computer to answer the questions. I ended up reccomended for Pre-Algebra... I'm instructed to go to the Information window and schedule a meeting with an advisor.
I talk to someone and she tells me that I need to take this Getting Started meeting--the next one starting at three--and then I could meet with someone. With two hours to wait, I go outside and call my best friend, Namtam, to pass the time. I go back inside after 80 minutes to sign in and cool off. Someone else tells me "No... the last meeting for the day was at 2:00pm". OH MY WORD. I was sitting there, outside the office, when I could have been in the damned meeting...
She apologizes for her co-workers fuck up, and schedules a meeting with an advisor for me. I sit down in an uncomfortable red chair and wait. Thirty-some minutes later, my name is called and I get my meeting with an advisor. We go over admittance and classes and balancing a job and school.
I get home to learn that I now have the nastiest looking sunburn from the tanktop I was wearing. My mom chews me out and leaves butthurt because I want to finish my education at the University of Washington in Seattle despite my father living in the area. It's... disheartning, as her input isn't what I'm looking for. I've gone to school wherever she's wanted to live for the past thirteen years. I'd much rather hear from Kelly, saying he wants to be based at whatever base and have him suggest that I finish up at their university. Every time I ask him, he tells me that it's my life and that I need to be selfish and go where I want because it's what I want. UGH.
5.09.2011
62 Days
It's the beginning of the last full week of high school. Half of me couldn't be happier that manditory public school is finally over after thirteen years of attendance problems; the other half is nostalgic and wishes that I'd done more extracurriculars and was more involved in LHS stuff. Now that all opportunities have passed me by, I'm ready to Jello Wrestle.
I've had my fair share of obstacles during my last three years of school (which is, basically, my entire time at LHS). I stopped caring about my grades, began skipping every class I could, and knowingly screwed myself over. My GPA went from a 3.286 my freshman year to a 1.571 by the end of sophomore year. I failed a total of 6 semester classes. I need to pass all 5 classes I'm taking this semester so I can graduate with my friends. The upside? The biggest comback I've ever had. By this time, two weeks from now, I will have passed second semester-senior year with four A's and a B. If there's any one thing that I'm not, it's dumb. My choices are my own, and I'm dealing with the ramifications of my actions.
Speaking of school, I'm going up to FRCC tomorrow with my ACT scores, proving to them that I don't need the placement test. I'm really excited about this; I did well enough to not need their placement test without taking some of the required Junior classes to do well on the ACT. However, going and doing this is taking a day away from Kelly. I wish that I could wait on college stuff and other necessities until he's gone.
12 days left until Kelly flies out for Illinois. I'm still extremely nervous for all the changes to come. I like how things are and I don't wanna screw up something that's been proven to work well for us. Worrying and stressing about the things I can't control... It's not news. I really wish I had more faith about all this. I guess I just need to continue telling myself that everything will be alright and hope that it comes true.
I've had my fair share of obstacles during my last three years of school (which is, basically, my entire time at LHS). I stopped caring about my grades, began skipping every class I could, and knowingly screwed myself over. My GPA went from a 3.286 my freshman year to a 1.571 by the end of sophomore year. I failed a total of 6 semester classes. I need to pass all 5 classes I'm taking this semester so I can graduate with my friends. The upside? The biggest comback I've ever had. By this time, two weeks from now, I will have passed second semester-senior year with four A's and a B. If there's any one thing that I'm not, it's dumb. My choices are my own, and I'm dealing with the ramifications of my actions.
Speaking of school, I'm going up to FRCC tomorrow with my ACT scores, proving to them that I don't need the placement test. I'm really excited about this; I did well enough to not need their placement test without taking some of the required Junior classes to do well on the ACT. However, going and doing this is taking a day away from Kelly. I wish that I could wait on college stuff and other necessities until he's gone.
12 days left until Kelly flies out for Illinois. I'm still extremely nervous for all the changes to come. I like how things are and I don't wanna screw up something that's been proven to work well for us. Worrying and stressing about the things I can't control... It's not news. I really wish I had more faith about all this. I guess I just need to continue telling myself that everything will be alright and hope that it comes true.
5.08.2011
63 Days
Woke up this morning kinda sad. In exactly two weeks, Kelly will be in Illinois. That's when it feels like our relationship is going to begin to fall apart. I know it won't, and I know that he'll come back to me no matter what. I feel like I'm going crazy; my emotions are going to explode all over.
It's Sunday, which is our day apart. We've spent almost every waking minute together for the past two weeks, so we've both been looking forward to a day to ourselves. For some reason, I couldn't handle the fact that he wouldn't be by my side today. I was upset from the moment I opened my eyes, and that took away from my nice morning with him.
It doesn't help my cranky-upsetness that my chosen diet for the day is water. My stomach has hurt after every meal since Friday after lunch, so I'm trying a food-less diet to see if the pain persists. I've already screwed up by having breakfast, so I guess I'll just skip breakfast tomorrow morning to make up for it. I really hope this increasingly annoying pain goes away.
Anywho, today will be spent in a tanning bed, doing math homework, washing a couple loads of laundry, vacuuming the upstairs, and a myraid of other things I haven't really had the chance to do these past two weeks. It'll be nice, I'm sure of that. I will take today to clear my head and refocus and prepeare for the next two weeks.
It's Sunday, which is our day apart. We've spent almost every waking minute together for the past two weeks, so we've both been looking forward to a day to ourselves. For some reason, I couldn't handle the fact that he wouldn't be by my side today. I was upset from the moment I opened my eyes, and that took away from my nice morning with him.
It doesn't help my cranky-upsetness that my chosen diet for the day is water. My stomach has hurt after every meal since Friday after lunch, so I'm trying a food-less diet to see if the pain persists. I've already screwed up by having breakfast, so I guess I'll just skip breakfast tomorrow morning to make up for it. I really hope this increasingly annoying pain goes away.
Anywho, today will be spent in a tanning bed, doing math homework, washing a couple loads of laundry, vacuuming the upstairs, and a myraid of other things I haven't really had the chance to do these past two weeks. It'll be nice, I'm sure of that. I will take today to clear my head and refocus and prepeare for the next two weeks.
5.06.2011
65 Days
It's become an increasingly normal Friday. In class, arrived late, sitting in class utterly... bored.
Kelly stayed over last night. It was simply wonderful. I fell asleep around 10:00, woke up around 11:00 when he was crawling into bed with me after playing his XBOX for, what felt like at that time, all night. The "Kelly Needs To Go Home" alarm on my phone went off at 5:00, so he got dressed and kissed me goodbye. I laid awake, as I normally do, to hear him drive away. I began to wonder why I hadn't heard anything. I had almost convinced myself to get up and make sure he didn't fall down the stairs when my bedroom door opened. "I got a text from my mom, saying it was ok if you came over and got ready with me. Would you like to?" I flipped the comfortor off of me and immediately began gathering my clothes for school.
We got to his house at 5:20ish, crawled ever so slowly into bed, and fell asleep until we needed to get up and shower. It was a better morning than I had expected. I loved it 100%.
Kelly stayed over last night. It was simply wonderful. I fell asleep around 10:00, woke up around 11:00 when he was crawling into bed with me after playing his XBOX for, what felt like at that time, all night. The "Kelly Needs To Go Home" alarm on my phone went off at 5:00, so he got dressed and kissed me goodbye. I laid awake, as I normally do, to hear him drive away. I began to wonder why I hadn't heard anything. I had almost convinced myself to get up and make sure he didn't fall down the stairs when my bedroom door opened. "I got a text from my mom, saying it was ok if you came over and got ready with me. Would you like to?" I flipped the comfortor off of me and immediately began gathering my clothes for school.
We got to his house at 5:20ish, crawled ever so slowly into bed, and fell asleep until we needed to get up and shower. It was a better morning than I had expected. I loved it 100%.
5.05.2011
66 Days
Today was a much better day than yesterday, thank goodness. I have yet to completely freak out about anything and I'm not one gigantic ball of stress. Yesterday didn't suck so bad either; I got to spend another night at Kelly's, I officially chose Front Range as my community college of choice (not that I am given a choice...), I got to have lunch with my mom, and I got to skip school. All in all, it was pretty kickass... with an exception.
As I briefly said yesterday, I got an e-mail back from my father telling me that he will not help me get a car so I can get to school despite his promises to do so last year. I read this email right after my morning shower, thus making it the start of my day. I laid on Kelly's bed, still wrapped up in a towel, thinking about how completely screwed up my father has become. Kids: Don't do drugs.
I went home around 10:30 (after missing school, mind you) and had lunch with my mom. Kelly went to the recruiter's station (again) to take future soldier tests so he can officially be promoted. He finally got the chance to take some tests and was kicked out of the station a few hours later when the sargent's wanted lunch with the instruction to go back on Thursday before PT. We headed back to his house around 2:30.
I did some college junk, found out that I was for sure recieving a Pell Grant, which pays for almost an entire year at FRCC. I watched The Last Song while Kelly was mowing the backyard and learned that the book is 1,000 times better. Around 6, Kelly and I went to return Assassian' Creed: Brotherhood in exchange for Brother's in Arms: Hell's Highway. I sleeping on and off on his lap as he played until 9 when I was ready to go to bed. "No! You're my good luck charm! I play better when you're here; stay down here one more hour? Please?!" Oh. It was something I definately couldn't say 'no' to. I stayed awake and downstairs for another half hour and we up to bed at 9:30. He came up to his his room at 10, stating that he kept dying in the game without me.
We woke up this morning, showered, and then convinced our mother's to let us miss hours 1 & 2 because we've A's in both classes. We were almost to third hour on time when we saw about ten cars waiting at the trian tracks; we'd actually caught the train and ended up late. Some luck.
I'm at home, about to slather on some indoor tanning lotion so I can go relax for fiftten minutes. Kelly is at the station finishing up his last four tests so he can be officially promoted. I might be able to spend one final night ever at his house... depending on if his mother's fiance expects to make it back late tonight or some time tomorrow. I keep for three nights this week, it was supposedly my last night there, and it's worked out so far. I would fully appreciate another night over there, but I wouldn't be diappointed if I slept in my bed alone tonight. Kelly plans on stataying over here this Friday and Saturday, meaning that the only nights we'd have had apart in two weeks are last Sunday and, if memory serves, Monday the 25th. I'm not complaining by any means; I do know, however, that Kelly appreciates his personal time and I want whatever will make him happiest.
----6:05p.m.----
Kelly just stopped by after finishing all but one of his tests after informing me by text that John will be home at 7. He was on the phone when I walked out to his car with, who I soon learn to be, his mother. "Ok Mom. I'll be home to eat and shower, but I'll probably be staying the night at Grace's." He looks over at me and winks. That's how he asked me if it was ok. I'm going to finish this episode of Gossip Girl and clean my room up a bit for him. ♥
As I briefly said yesterday, I got an e-mail back from my father telling me that he will not help me get a car so I can get to school despite his promises to do so last year. I read this email right after my morning shower, thus making it the start of my day. I laid on Kelly's bed, still wrapped up in a towel, thinking about how completely screwed up my father has become. Kids: Don't do drugs.
I went home around 10:30 (after missing school, mind you) and had lunch with my mom. Kelly went to the recruiter's station (again) to take future soldier tests so he can officially be promoted. He finally got the chance to take some tests and was kicked out of the station a few hours later when the sargent's wanted lunch with the instruction to go back on Thursday before PT. We headed back to his house around 2:30.
I did some college junk, found out that I was for sure recieving a Pell Grant, which pays for almost an entire year at FRCC. I watched The Last Song while Kelly was mowing the backyard and learned that the book is 1,000 times better. Around 6, Kelly and I went to return Assassian' Creed: Brotherhood in exchange for Brother's in Arms: Hell's Highway. I sleeping on and off on his lap as he played until 9 when I was ready to go to bed. "No! You're my good luck charm! I play better when you're here; stay down here one more hour? Please?!" Oh. It was something I definately couldn't say 'no' to. I stayed awake and downstairs for another half hour and we up to bed at 9:30. He came up to his his room at 10, stating that he kept dying in the game without me.
We woke up this morning, showered, and then convinced our mother's to let us miss hours 1 & 2 because we've A's in both classes. We were almost to third hour on time when we saw about ten cars waiting at the trian tracks; we'd actually caught the train and ended up late. Some luck.
I'm at home, about to slather on some indoor tanning lotion so I can go relax for fiftten minutes. Kelly is at the station finishing up his last four tests so he can be officially promoted. I might be able to spend one final night ever at his house... depending on if his mother's fiance expects to make it back late tonight or some time tomorrow. I keep for three nights this week, it was supposedly my last night there, and it's worked out so far. I would fully appreciate another night over there, but I wouldn't be diappointed if I slept in my bed alone tonight. Kelly plans on stataying over here this Friday and Saturday, meaning that the only nights we'd have had apart in two weeks are last Sunday and, if memory serves, Monday the 25th. I'm not complaining by any means; I do know, however, that Kelly appreciates his personal time and I want whatever will make him happiest.
----6:05p.m.----
Kelly just stopped by after finishing all but one of his tests after informing me by text that John will be home at 7. He was on the phone when I walked out to his car with, who I soon learn to be, his mother. "Ok Mom. I'll be home to eat and shower, but I'll probably be staying the night at Grace's." He looks over at me and winks. That's how he asked me if it was ok. I'm going to finish this episode of Gossip Girl and clean my room up a bit for him. ♥
5.04.2011
67 Days
Had another great night at Kelly's last night. As it turns out, I'm staying one final night at his house--tonight. I am really excited, again, to curl up with him for another night.
Yesterday was just a bad day overall. The oral surgeon wouldn't take x-rays because Mom wasn't there. I hit my head. Got a migraine in math again. School was... long and pointless and a complete and utter waste of time.
Today isn't exactly looking up either. I got an e-mail from my father, stating I was SOL on his help and he'd "send me $$ when [he] can" if I "build a relationship with him, other than anger". Trying my hardest to not tell him to go fuck himself.
Yesterday was just a bad day overall. The oral surgeon wouldn't take x-rays because Mom wasn't there. I hit my head. Got a migraine in math again. School was... long and pointless and a complete and utter waste of time.
Today isn't exactly looking up either. I got an e-mail from my father, stating I was SOL on his help and he'd "send me $$ when [he] can" if I "build a relationship with him, other than anger". Trying my hardest to not tell him to go fuck himself.
5.03.2011
68 Days
My sleepovers at Kelly's house have continued into this week. His mother's fiance is supposed to return by the end of this week, which means the fun sleepovers and dinners at his house are going to screech to a hault as soon as he pulls into the neighborhood. It's a fact of life, I guess. I really dislike sleeping alone after spending 3+ days sleeping curled up next to the man that I love.
There are 68 days Kel has left as a free man, but only 18 left here in Colorado with our average high school life and schedule. It's an extremely... disheartening amount of days left. I try so hard to make the best of the rest of the time--I want him to experience things with me, make lasting memories with me--but, I feel like it's almost impossible to accomplish. We've spent 15 months in a fantastic relationship together, and I realize that I'm placing a lot on these next mere 18 days. They're the last days of the normalcy we've known for our entire relationship, and I want to savor it before everything changes. It's a large stress that I'm willing dumping on myself; I know that I would absolutely regret it if I didn't have this attitude and blew off these 18 days.
Sunday night I couldn't fall asleep to save my life. I blamed it on being alone in my bed after those previous five days at Kelly's, but I knew better. I had 1,002 things on my mind, all of them needed to be done this week and I was ready to get up and get it all done at that split second. This happens when I start getting really stressed and on edge, and sure enough, I had a knot in my stomach the next day.
I had my Monday afternoon planned perfectly. Kelly was to be at the recruiter's station and I was going to go to the bank, buy a new pair of tweezers, go tan for 15 minutes, get home and shower, and then start my list of "College To-Do's". I finished at the bank and was picking out the tweezaers I wanted when I got a call from Kelly, saying that his recruiters infact didn't bring a spare computer for him to take tests on and there wasn't a need for him to be there. I was thinking: Well fuck me sideways! I needed those four hours to get shit done so I didn't toss and trun through another night of sleep. Fuckin' a! I said: "Ok babe. I'm at Sally's. I'm going to tan after this and I'll be out in 20." And, just my luck, the Sally's employee was training that day and it took her ten minutes to check me out. I sprinted over to the tanning salon a few stores down to learn that it was going to be an eight minute wait for my tanning bed; Kelly was stalled outside the door, so I turned around and got in his car, went home and packed a bag for the night, and went back to his house.
We spent the entire evening watching Dexter on Netflix. I started that series last Thursday and have almost finished the second season. I absolutely love it, and, as of last night, so does Kel. He said he was watching it with me so I'd have someone to talk to about it, but I'm pretty sure he was hooked when he learned Sgt. Doakes is a former Army Ranger. I was really excited to learn what he did in the military, and Kelly pointed out "Hey, he's still alive. Does that make you happy?" Well, yes. Seeing men who have lived through Ranger training hell and the dangerous Ranger missions make me very happy. One Ranger killing his wife and Sgt. Doakes leaving his wife because he was afraid of killing her, however, aren't uber comforting...
We finished episode 19 or 20 at 9:15ish... I think. There were about twenty minutes left when Kelly started to show me that he wanted... personal time on the couch. Personal time that was so... memorable it should go down in history... ended at, like, 10:15. We rinsed off in the shower and crawled into bed until 6:17 this morning.
Now I'm in my Computer Applications class without an assignment left to do. I've got an appointment with the oral surgeon who will extract my wisdom teeth today at 1:45. I've been directed by Kel to wait to get them taken out until he's in Illinois because my surgeries stress him out. To be honest, I wouldn't want to waste this time on my recovery anyway. I'm going back to his house for, what I believe is, the last night there this week... possibly forever. Nostalgic, much?
There are 68 days Kel has left as a free man, but only 18 left here in Colorado with our average high school life and schedule. It's an extremely... disheartening amount of days left. I try so hard to make the best of the rest of the time--I want him to experience things with me, make lasting memories with me--but, I feel like it's almost impossible to accomplish. We've spent 15 months in a fantastic relationship together, and I realize that I'm placing a lot on these next mere 18 days. They're the last days of the normalcy we've known for our entire relationship, and I want to savor it before everything changes. It's a large stress that I'm willing dumping on myself; I know that I would absolutely regret it if I didn't have this attitude and blew off these 18 days.
Sunday night I couldn't fall asleep to save my life. I blamed it on being alone in my bed after those previous five days at Kelly's, but I knew better. I had 1,002 things on my mind, all of them needed to be done this week and I was ready to get up and get it all done at that split second. This happens when I start getting really stressed and on edge, and sure enough, I had a knot in my stomach the next day.
I had my Monday afternoon planned perfectly. Kelly was to be at the recruiter's station and I was going to go to the bank, buy a new pair of tweezers, go tan for 15 minutes, get home and shower, and then start my list of "College To-Do's". I finished at the bank and was picking out the tweezaers I wanted when I got a call from Kelly, saying that his recruiters infact didn't bring a spare computer for him to take tests on and there wasn't a need for him to be there. I was thinking: Well fuck me sideways! I needed those four hours to get shit done so I didn't toss and trun through another night of sleep. Fuckin' a! I said: "Ok babe. I'm at Sally's. I'm going to tan after this and I'll be out in 20." And, just my luck, the Sally's employee was training that day and it took her ten minutes to check me out. I sprinted over to the tanning salon a few stores down to learn that it was going to be an eight minute wait for my tanning bed; Kelly was stalled outside the door, so I turned around and got in his car, went home and packed a bag for the night, and went back to his house.
We spent the entire evening watching Dexter on Netflix. I started that series last Thursday and have almost finished the second season. I absolutely love it, and, as of last night, so does Kel. He said he was watching it with me so I'd have someone to talk to about it, but I'm pretty sure he was hooked when he learned Sgt. Doakes is a former Army Ranger. I was really excited to learn what he did in the military, and Kelly pointed out "Hey, he's still alive. Does that make you happy?" Well, yes. Seeing men who have lived through Ranger training hell and the dangerous Ranger missions make me very happy. One Ranger killing his wife and Sgt. Doakes leaving his wife because he was afraid of killing her, however, aren't uber comforting...
We finished episode 19 or 20 at 9:15ish... I think. There were about twenty minutes left when Kelly started to show me that he wanted... personal time on the couch. Personal time that was so... memorable it should go down in history... ended at, like, 10:15. We rinsed off in the shower and crawled into bed until 6:17 this morning.
Now I'm in my Computer Applications class without an assignment left to do. I've got an appointment with the oral surgeon who will extract my wisdom teeth today at 1:45. I've been directed by Kel to wait to get them taken out until he's in Illinois because my surgeries stress him out. To be honest, I wouldn't want to waste this time on my recovery anyway. I'm going back to his house for, what I believe is, the last night there this week... possibly forever. Nostalgic, much?
5.01.2011
70 Days
I once heard the quote "It's the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls are far too busy." Well, yesterday night did involve liquor, so I guess that I have just proven this quote true. I even planned to draft out a little bit of the night on my phone. It didn't work, as I comletely forgot by noon and kept misplacing my phone all throughout the night.
The anniversary part of the day was nice. We fell asleep holding hands the night before and woke up cuddled up in a ball together. We ate breakfast, curled up on the couch and watched Dexter and went to lunch together around 12. We ate at the Panera Bread in Fort Collins, and it was nice to have a huge grin on my face and not feel like it was forced.
People began showing up around 6, and shortly after everyone arrived, all nine of us piled into Kelly's van to go to downtown Fort Collins to buy more coals for my hookah. After sucessfully packing everyone in with leg room to spare, buying two rolls of coals and Margarita flavored sheesha, we headed over to the closest 7-11 to buy Slurpees with the left over money from the coals. It took us about 45 to accomplish that trip and we got back to Kelly's about 7:15. After that, we lit a coal and began our night.
Memories seem a little... mushed together and fuzzy after that point. I remember using Slurpees as mixers, cleaning out and repacking my hookah bowl at least seven times, fitting all nine people into the hottub, passing the hookah around and letting it all out at the same time so someone could take a picture of the simultaneous exhale and about 40 other crazy picture in it's likeness, watching people play Twister, giving a friend a condom (that, to my surprise, fit him), watching the nine of us consume a bag of 40 Tostino's Pizza Rolls, and being force-fed a puffy Cheeto because "they feel weird on your gums". We started the fun at 6:30 and were all ready to crash by 11.
I woke up this morning, used my inhailor, drank a bottle of water, and fell back alseep until around 9:30. I stumbled downstairs to find breakfast was almost ready and everyone had gone home. I happily sat down, ate my bacon and eggs, and left for home at 10:15.
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