To continue on my streak of good days, yesterday was phenomial. I fell asleep and woke up this morning with a smile on my face.
Kelly and I skipped school to lay around on the couch and watch a movie on Netflix and play the game he rented. I got an extra two hours of sleep early in the morning, didn't shower until 11, and went to my tanning salon while he was at PT (Future Soldier Training). We got back to his house a little after 6 and had breakfast for a delicious dinner, watched him play more of his vadeo game, and crawled into bed around 9:30 where I finally got some amazing sleep this week.
However, the Today Show was on while we were eating breakfast; it was like The Royal Wedding threw up on the TV. It kinda slapped the smile right off my face, and I was a little on edge when I finished my bowl of Cocoa Pebbles and went upstairs to go take a shower. I was nearing done with my shower when Kelly came in to brush his teeth, shave, and then jump in the shower after me. I was still angry at the world when Kel said:
"You know what tomorrow is?"
"Yeah, the party." I said loudly over the sound of my shower.
"...and?!"
"..our 15 month anniversary."
"Yeah!" He said, seemingly happy that I finally got the question right.
I loved it; he decided to say something about it when it's usually me who gives the cute but baited reminder about the upcoming day. It took me out of the grumpy mood I was in and put the smile I woke up with back on my face.
Tomorrow is the BIG day this week. We're going ahead with the party (which we contimplated not having simply because we weren't all that into it) on Saturday night and we plan on spending most of the day together, sleeping in, getting lunch at either Olive Garden or Village Inn, and other cute couple junk that people hate to watch.
4.29.2011
4.28.2011
73 Days
What an amazingly wonderful night, and, to my blatant surprise, a great day yesterday.
I was eating lunch with Kelly after school got out at 11:37 when he told me I was staying the night at his house again that night. I was surprised,... as I thought I was only staying that Tuesday and upcoming Friday and Saturday, but surprises like this tend to come from lack of communication. I got the permission and happily went home to pack myself another bag for school.
We got back to his place around 5:10 after spending time with his friend, Dillon, and his girlfriend, Kelsey, and Kelly began playing the game he rented after lunch, Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood. We ate dinner with his mom a little after 6:20 and then resumed the game. While his mother was cleaning up from dinner, she announced that she'd be making breakfast for dinner the following day. Disappointed, I looked at Kelly, reminding him how much I love breakfast for dinner, when he asked me to stay the next night as well.
We crawled in bed around 10. I can proudly say that I didn't get emotional... but I still spent plenty of the night trying to sleep on the firm cloud that is his bed. I woke up at my alarm at 6:10 to find Kelly already awake. I drug myself out of bed at 6:20 and fumbled downstairs to have a bowl of cereal when Kelly announced that he "wants to skip school today". I thought about the two classes I have and how I won't miss anything, ate my cereal, and returned to his bed to finish my night's sleep.
I couldn't be more happy with the way my week is turning out! There's one day left of school this week, and a possible party and our 15 month anniversary on Saturday. Oh, how I love this man of mine. ♥
I was eating lunch with Kelly after school got out at 11:37 when he told me I was staying the night at his house again that night. I was surprised,... as I thought I was only staying that Tuesday and upcoming Friday and Saturday, but surprises like this tend to come from lack of communication. I got the permission and happily went home to pack myself another bag for school.
We got back to his place around 5:10 after spending time with his friend, Dillon, and his girlfriend, Kelsey, and Kelly began playing the game he rented after lunch, Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood. We ate dinner with his mom a little after 6:20 and then resumed the game. While his mother was cleaning up from dinner, she announced that she'd be making breakfast for dinner the following day. Disappointed, I looked at Kelly, reminding him how much I love breakfast for dinner, when he asked me to stay the next night as well.
We crawled in bed around 10. I can proudly say that I didn't get emotional... but I still spent plenty of the night trying to sleep on the firm cloud that is his bed. I woke up at my alarm at 6:10 to find Kelly already awake. I drug myself out of bed at 6:20 and fumbled downstairs to have a bowl of cereal when Kelly announced that he "wants to skip school today". I thought about the two classes I have and how I won't miss anything, ate my cereal, and returned to his bed to finish my night's sleep.
I couldn't be more happy with the way my week is turning out! There's one day left of school this week, and a possible party and our 15 month anniversary on Saturday. Oh, how I love this man of mine. ♥
4.27.2011
74 Days
Well I spent the night at Kelly's last night, and let's just say... it wasn't exactly the dream night I was hoping for. Don't get me wrong, I had fun spending time with my lovely boyfriend and I got a great night's sleep on his cloud of a mattress. It's just... lemme start from the beginning.
In school that morning, we worked together on a project in out Finance class and I began to feel a little hostility emitted from him. I'm not sure where it was coming from, up I knew it when I saw it; I just blamed it on his lack of sleep. Granted, I wasn't much better yesterday morning either; I had gotten little sleep and felt like I was going to faint and throw up at the same time, so I was a smidge on edge. After school got out (at 10:57), we went back to his house and waited for his mom's fiance left. Then we brought down his XBOX and I napped on the couch while he played the game he rented, Medal of Honor. I woke up at three and went to the bathroom to find that... my time of the month had finished. I told him that fact and we spent some... personal time together, took a quick shower, and then watched a 8 Mile on Nextflix.
His mom came home and made us dinner which we ate while finishing the movie. Kelly declared that he needed to return the games he had rented and was looking for a new one. We went to both the Showtime Video's and the Blockbuster Video in Loveland and came up empty, and returned back to his house. During this trip, I realized what exactly was going on with me.The realization was... prompted by more hostility from Kelly. It seems like lately I haven't been extremely comfortable in my own skin, and it took me until last night to figure this out.
We got home from running all over Loveland to find his mom looking though pictures for our graduation/going away party on May 21st. We went through so many adorable pictures of that kid, and it was one of those moments where you realize you've just began to love someone more than you ever had before, and your entire body fills with the warm feeling of true love, and you realize that you could never do anything to harm them because it would absolutely kill you inside.Yeah, I love that feeling.
We went to bed shortly after finding all the pictures we wanted to use at the party and ended up... spending more personal time together before falling asleep on opposite sides of the bed with seperate blankets and everything. However, before falling asleep, my emotions got the best of me again.
A good friend of mine is reveling in the fact that her boyfriend wants to propose after 9 months of dating. I would have a better chance to be happy for her if marraige wasn't such a sore subject for me. Kelly and I had talked in depth about it and had what I thought to be set and realistic plans. One day, several months into our long conversations about the future and how I was supposed to get an engagement ring for my birthday, he told me that it was allllllllll happening too soon and that he suddenly had a change of heart about when to propose to me because we're too young and marraiges in high school stastically fail AFTER getting my hopes up and getting me to dream up everything I wanted for the wedding I wasn't going to go through with until after a year or four of engagement. I mean, I know it's rushed, but that's how I feel things need to be for us. He's in the military and the only way to stay with him on a base is to be married. Engagement is what had been reassuring me that he would always return to me, and when the rug was yanked out from underneath me, my fears amounted higher than they ever had before.
When my eyes began to slowly leak for the second time in the past seven days, Kelly was on my ass about it. I don't like to bother him with it so I lie and say that I'm not crying when I'm really dying inside. He rolled over on his side and held me for a while until I began to feel sobs fighting to come out, so I insisted on him getting comfortable and falling asleep so I could get the emotions out and he wouldn't be bothered. As soon as he fell asleep, I felt like I needed him to be awake and holding me again and I felt like an absolute idiot for turning him away when all he was trying to do was take care of me. I know that I just wanted the best for him, and I know that the best thing for him was a good night's sleep. I insisted that he roll away and get comfortable (mind you, he can't stand holding me in his sleep) and fall asleep and I ended up screwing myself in the end.
So, that was my night last night. I really need to work on getting hopes up and establishing preconcieved notions about things; I also need to show how happy he makes me. He must think that I'm the saddest girl in the world with all the crying I do when he's around. I can't keep wasting our time together crying either. Kelly leaves for Illinois in twenty-four days, and, in realitly, those are the last normal twenty-four days I have with him. I've gotta fix my act.
In school that morning, we worked together on a project in out Finance class and I began to feel a little hostility emitted from him. I'm not sure where it was coming from, up I knew it when I saw it; I just blamed it on his lack of sleep. Granted, I wasn't much better yesterday morning either; I had gotten little sleep and felt like I was going to faint and throw up at the same time, so I was a smidge on edge. After school got out (at 10:57), we went back to his house and waited for his mom's fiance left. Then we brought down his XBOX and I napped on the couch while he played the game he rented, Medal of Honor. I woke up at three and went to the bathroom to find that... my time of the month had finished. I told him that fact and we spent some... personal time together, took a quick shower, and then watched a 8 Mile on Nextflix.
His mom came home and made us dinner which we ate while finishing the movie. Kelly declared that he needed to return the games he had rented and was looking for a new one. We went to both the Showtime Video's and the Blockbuster Video in Loveland and came up empty, and returned back to his house. During this trip, I realized what exactly was going on with me.The realization was... prompted by more hostility from Kelly. It seems like lately I haven't been extremely comfortable in my own skin, and it took me until last night to figure this out.
We got home from running all over Loveland to find his mom looking though pictures for our graduation/going away party on May 21st. We went through so many adorable pictures of that kid, and it was one of those moments where you realize you've just began to love someone more than you ever had before, and your entire body fills with the warm feeling of true love, and you realize that you could never do anything to harm them because it would absolutely kill you inside.Yeah, I love that feeling.
We went to bed shortly after finding all the pictures we wanted to use at the party and ended up... spending more personal time together before falling asleep on opposite sides of the bed with seperate blankets and everything. However, before falling asleep, my emotions got the best of me again.
A good friend of mine is reveling in the fact that her boyfriend wants to propose after 9 months of dating. I would have a better chance to be happy for her if marraige wasn't such a sore subject for me. Kelly and I had talked in depth about it and had what I thought to be set and realistic plans. One day, several months into our long conversations about the future and how I was supposed to get an engagement ring for my birthday, he told me that it was allllllllll happening too soon and that he suddenly had a change of heart about when to propose to me because we're too young and marraiges in high school stastically fail AFTER getting my hopes up and getting me to dream up everything I wanted for the wedding I wasn't going to go through with until after a year or four of engagement. I mean, I know it's rushed, but that's how I feel things need to be for us. He's in the military and the only way to stay with him on a base is to be married. Engagement is what had been reassuring me that he would always return to me, and when the rug was yanked out from underneath me, my fears amounted higher than they ever had before.
When my eyes began to slowly leak for the second time in the past seven days, Kelly was on my ass about it. I don't like to bother him with it so I lie and say that I'm not crying when I'm really dying inside. He rolled over on his side and held me for a while until I began to feel sobs fighting to come out, so I insisted on him getting comfortable and falling asleep so I could get the emotions out and he wouldn't be bothered. As soon as he fell asleep, I felt like I needed him to be awake and holding me again and I felt like an absolute idiot for turning him away when all he was trying to do was take care of me. I know that I just wanted the best for him, and I know that the best thing for him was a good night's sleep. I insisted that he roll away and get comfortable (mind you, he can't stand holding me in his sleep) and fall asleep and I ended up screwing myself in the end.
So, that was my night last night. I really need to work on getting hopes up and establishing preconcieved notions about things; I also need to show how happy he makes me. He must think that I'm the saddest girl in the world with all the crying I do when he's around. I can't keep wasting our time together crying either. Kelly leaves for Illinois in twenty-four days, and, in realitly, those are the last normal twenty-four days I have with him. I've gotta fix my act.
4.26.2011
75 Days
I got amazing news yesterday while having lunch with Kelly: his mother's fiance is leaving town for a short while, and I'll be allowed to stay the night tonight. So, naturally, my overnight bag is already stuffed with tomorrow's clothes. I love his bed. Really. I love his bed; any amount of sleep that I get while on his bed brightens my mood exponentially. It's like sleeping on a lovely, firm cloud. He's promised me that when he leaves for basic, he'll move his wonderful bed into my bedroom and loan me his Xbox. I've come to realize that BED>XBOX, but it'll give me a DVD player for my bedroom so I can watch movies while falling asleep on 'my' luscious bed.
Aside from my plans for the night, I have a lot on my mind. 75 feels like an extremely small number and it continues to loom omniously overhead. Along with that, we have 21 days left where attendance in school is "mandatory". Everything in my life feels so scheduled and planed, but that's how I prefer it. After July 15th (the date I expect I'll have stopped crying every twenty seconds because my light in life is officially government issue) I will go on a vacation with my best friend, Ann, to South Padre Island, Texas (official plans/available money pending) and then I've got... nothing. No specific plans for continuing my education, no job to go to daily to keep me sane, no plans to hit the city with a modeling portfolio with my dreams on the line. Nothing.
My plans are as follows:
-Finish high school on May 17th and officially graduate on May 21st
-Spend time with my friends until I leave to join my soldier in Illionis on June 11h(??)
-18th birthday on June 27th; getting my first tattoo with a good friend of mine the day after
-Spend as much time with my soldier from June 29th to July 10th when he reports to his recruitor's station for the final time and flies out the next day for Fort Benning, Georgia
-Possible (hopefully definite) senior trip to Padre with my best friend for two weeks sometime in July
While on the subject of Padre, I got an absolutely awful and ingenious idea; matching tattos with my best friend. I told her about it shortly after and my idea had already started to sound stupid. She told me that she had thought about it today as well, thus no longer making it sound dumb and reckless. Now I am even more pumped to go back to Texas for a couple weeks than I ever thought possible. I can't imagine what Kel will think when he returns and I've gotten two tattoos before he's had the chance to get his first.
I don't feel silly for choosing to do this whatsoever. I realize that I sound reckless and the odds for regretting this tattoo are large, but this girl has pulled me out of a very dark place five years ago, and she means the world to me. I've had the best memories, the greatest conversations, the most meaningful friendship with this girl and I will love her until the day I die, and that's fact.
Aside from my plans for the night, I have a lot on my mind. 75 feels like an extremely small number and it continues to loom omniously overhead. Along with that, we have 21 days left where attendance in school is "mandatory". Everything in my life feels so scheduled and planed, but that's how I prefer it. After July 15th (the date I expect I'll have stopped crying every twenty seconds because my light in life is officially government issue) I will go on a vacation with my best friend, Ann, to South Padre Island, Texas (official plans/available money pending) and then I've got... nothing. No specific plans for continuing my education, no job to go to daily to keep me sane, no plans to hit the city with a modeling portfolio with my dreams on the line. Nothing.
My plans are as follows:
-Finish high school on May 17th and officially graduate on May 21st
-Spend time with my friends until I leave to join my soldier in Illionis on June 11h(??)
-18th birthday on June 27th; getting my first tattoo with a good friend of mine the day after
-Spend as much time with my soldier from June 29th to July 10th when he reports to his recruitor's station for the final time and flies out the next day for Fort Benning, Georgia
-Possible (hopefully definite) senior trip to Padre with my best friend for two weeks sometime in July
While on the subject of Padre, I got an absolutely awful and ingenious idea; matching tattos with my best friend. I told her about it shortly after and my idea had already started to sound stupid. She told me that she had thought about it today as well, thus no longer making it sound dumb and reckless. Now I am even more pumped to go back to Texas for a couple weeks than I ever thought possible. I can't imagine what Kel will think when he returns and I've gotten two tattoos before he's had the chance to get his first.
I don't feel silly for choosing to do this whatsoever. I realize that I sound reckless and the odds for regretting this tattoo are large, but this girl has pulled me out of a very dark place five years ago, and she means the world to me. I've had the best memories, the greatest conversations, the most meaningful friendship with this girl and I will love her until the day I die, and that's fact.
4.25.2011
76 Days
This is my second day of posting, and I am already beyond nervous as to the outcome of publically saving my thoughts and feelings. I had mentioned it Kelly and a few moments later he asked me to text him the URL. I have nothing to hide from him, so to prove that fact I willingly gave it to him. I realized everything would be just fine when I recieved a text an hour later, simply stating "I just don't like coloring Easter eggs, okay?" I smiled with relief. Darling, if you are in fact continuing to read these, please do not be upset by my word choice or my choice in topic. Also, please remember that I love you immensly. ♥
He and I have an anniversary coming up; we will have been dating for fifteen fantastic months on the 30th. I'll admit that in hindsight, it's a little silly to celebrate an anniversary every month. I like to make a fuss about it, as we have but two more anniversaries left where we will for certain physically be together. I'm thinking we will go and get fries at my favorite little diner chain and maybe rent a movie or go see one in theaters. This month's anniversary falls on a Saturday and that means we will be able to spend most of the day together. Previous months have fallen on weekdays and that's never fun because they're 'school nights'. Our last month-anniversary while in high school and it falls on a Saturday. This seems to be working out very well.
I would have these last three anniversaries with him, but he will be in Illinois visiting his family at the end of May and I don't fly out to join him until June 11th. I'm not worried about things not totally going the way I planned, however. I might be able to convince him to go to the movies with me before he leaves to 'celebrate'.
Day 76 With My Army Man:
It's 7:56 in the morning and it is just another typical day as high school seniors: we show up to school late, leave before everyone else, go home to spend time together, and seperate for the evening around 5 so we can be home for dinner on time. Our days seem very free and easy, and they very much are. I adore showing up ten minutes late to my first hour classes and my teachers choosing to not count me tardy because I am both a good student and a senior. But at the same time, we both have our futures looming overhead and that tends to put a damper on the "easy" frame of mind we should have as high school seniors without a strict agenda in school.
Today Kelly has to go by the local recruiting station to take some online tests because both his home computer and my laptop won't allow him to complete the tests. From my understanding of the tests he does on a bi-monthly basis, he'll be gone for an hour or two.
For now I shall sit in my first hour class watching Netflix on the computer in front of me, as I have finished all the assigned classwork for the semester a month and a half early. What a life(:
He and I have an anniversary coming up; we will have been dating for fifteen fantastic months on the 30th. I'll admit that in hindsight, it's a little silly to celebrate an anniversary every month. I like to make a fuss about it, as we have but two more anniversaries left where we will for certain physically be together. I'm thinking we will go and get fries at my favorite little diner chain and maybe rent a movie or go see one in theaters. This month's anniversary falls on a Saturday and that means we will be able to spend most of the day together. Previous months have fallen on weekdays and that's never fun because they're 'school nights'. Our last month-anniversary while in high school and it falls on a Saturday. This seems to be working out very well.
I would have these last three anniversaries with him, but he will be in Illinois visiting his family at the end of May and I don't fly out to join him until June 11th. I'm not worried about things not totally going the way I planned, however. I might be able to convince him to go to the movies with me before he leaves to 'celebrate'.
Day 76 With My Army Man:
It's 7:56 in the morning and it is just another typical day as high school seniors: we show up to school late, leave before everyone else, go home to spend time together, and seperate for the evening around 5 so we can be home for dinner on time. Our days seem very free and easy, and they very much are. I adore showing up ten minutes late to my first hour classes and my teachers choosing to not count me tardy because I am both a good student and a senior. But at the same time, we both have our futures looming overhead and that tends to put a damper on the "easy" frame of mind we should have as high school seniors without a strict agenda in school.
Today Kelly has to go by the local recruiting station to take some online tests because both his home computer and my laptop won't allow him to complete the tests. From my understanding of the tests he does on a bi-monthly basis, he'll be gone for an hour or two.
For now I shall sit in my first hour class watching Netflix on the computer in front of me, as I have finished all the assigned classwork for the semester a month and a half early. What a life(:
4.24.2011
77 Days
Kelly, my military man, spent the night last night. He attempted to fall asleep as I cried for over two hours due to mass stress and confusion as to the direction my live--our lives--is headed. I feel absolutely awful when I cry and he's around. Don't get me wrong: I adore the comfort and security from the feeling I get when his arms are wrapped around me and that loving warmth I feel from him calms my fears and decreases tear flow, but I don't want to spend these last days sobbing when I should be making the most of the time we have left before he leaves. Clealy, I know better than to let my emotions get the best of me.
But I broke down anyway. I made sure to not convulse or wimper as I normally do, and I tried as hard as I could to wipe all my tears on the long-sleeve shirt I was wearing so he wouldn't roll over on a wet pillow. He saw through it; he always does. He wrapped an arm around me, and I began to cry a little harder. Being the perfect man he is, he set aside his sleep to hold me. I eventually convinced him that he needed to get comfortable and get to sleep and he was soon out like a light. I resumed my quiet wimper and fell asleep crying.
I was initally upset over Easter celebrations, as we had spent the day with his family when we had intened to spend the evening coloring eggs with my mother and brother. I had told him three hours into the gathering that Mom was making us dinner and he told me that we would leave when his parents did. Well, his parents left at seven and my mom was on her way to bed for church in the morning. Disappointed, but not enough to say anything. We got home around eight with the intention to watch a movie together on netflix before bed after he played on his Xbox for a while. It was ten and I had spent half an hour browsing for movies on my laptop when he turned off his gaming system. It was obvious that he would fall asleep during the movie, so I angrily aborted the plan and shut off my laptop.
I began the water works less than an hour after that. The amount of stress and pressure that I place on myself has begun to wear me down. College is just around the corner and I've no solutions to the many problems that surround it; My high school sweetheart is going to basic training in seventy-seven days; My mother's health is continuing to slowly detiorate. The events of last night were merely the straws that broke this camel's back, and I have learned over the years that when I am stressed, every little thing that goes south will stress me out further.
This is how my Private E2 and I spent our Easter Sunday together:
We woke up lying next to each other in my bed and soon stumbled downstairs to scrounge for breakfast. He chose to make a pitstop at the bathroom, giving me the perfect opportunity to sneak back upstairs to my mother's bedroom where the Easter basket I had made for him was assembled. I grabbed it, flew downstairs, placed it on the coffee table, and began cutting us a slice of German chocolate cake. After taking as much time as humanly possible, I heard the door to the bathroom open. To my disappointment he passed by the basket to meet me in the kitchen, cell phone active in his hands. He then lead me into the living room so we could sit next to the basket while we watched the news and ate our cake. I saw his eyes shift over to the coffee table and back to the TV after but a moment. Our cake was consumed, so I asked if he was still hungry. "Ya, I guess" was the absent-minded reponce to my baited question. "Well," I said with a grin, "how about some candy from your Easter basket over there?" His eyes widened with an adorable joy. "That's for me?" "Of course, silly." He sprang up from the over-sized chair we were sharing and happily snagged his basket.
I love doing these things for him. His reactions are priceless and fill me with joy and pure happiness. I never thought it was physically possible to love a single person with such passion and immensity, especially at this age. Love has shown me a greater purpose in my life while teaching me several valuable life lessons along the way. I couldn't be happier with any other man to call my soulmate. Given our current circumstances and the amount of love that we have for one another, I will take every single day I get with him by my side and live my life to it's fullest inspite of the days we will soon have apart. I would much rather love my soulmate and see him on occasion than to love another and see him as often as my heart desires.
But I broke down anyway. I made sure to not convulse or wimper as I normally do, and I tried as hard as I could to wipe all my tears on the long-sleeve shirt I was wearing so he wouldn't roll over on a wet pillow. He saw through it; he always does. He wrapped an arm around me, and I began to cry a little harder. Being the perfect man he is, he set aside his sleep to hold me. I eventually convinced him that he needed to get comfortable and get to sleep and he was soon out like a light. I resumed my quiet wimper and fell asleep crying.
I was initally upset over Easter celebrations, as we had spent the day with his family when we had intened to spend the evening coloring eggs with my mother and brother. I had told him three hours into the gathering that Mom was making us dinner and he told me that we would leave when his parents did. Well, his parents left at seven and my mom was on her way to bed for church in the morning. Disappointed, but not enough to say anything. We got home around eight with the intention to watch a movie together on netflix before bed after he played on his Xbox for a while. It was ten and I had spent half an hour browsing for movies on my laptop when he turned off his gaming system. It was obvious that he would fall asleep during the movie, so I angrily aborted the plan and shut off my laptop.
I began the water works less than an hour after that. The amount of stress and pressure that I place on myself has begun to wear me down. College is just around the corner and I've no solutions to the many problems that surround it; My high school sweetheart is going to basic training in seventy-seven days; My mother's health is continuing to slowly detiorate. The events of last night were merely the straws that broke this camel's back, and I have learned over the years that when I am stressed, every little thing that goes south will stress me out further.
This is how my Private E2 and I spent our Easter Sunday together:
We woke up lying next to each other in my bed and soon stumbled downstairs to scrounge for breakfast. He chose to make a pitstop at the bathroom, giving me the perfect opportunity to sneak back upstairs to my mother's bedroom where the Easter basket I had made for him was assembled. I grabbed it, flew downstairs, placed it on the coffee table, and began cutting us a slice of German chocolate cake. After taking as much time as humanly possible, I heard the door to the bathroom open. To my disappointment he passed by the basket to meet me in the kitchen, cell phone active in his hands. He then lead me into the living room so we could sit next to the basket while we watched the news and ate our cake. I saw his eyes shift over to the coffee table and back to the TV after but a moment. Our cake was consumed, so I asked if he was still hungry. "Ya, I guess" was the absent-minded reponce to my baited question. "Well," I said with a grin, "how about some candy from your Easter basket over there?" His eyes widened with an adorable joy. "That's for me?" "Of course, silly." He sprang up from the over-sized chair we were sharing and happily snagged his basket.
I love doing these things for him. His reactions are priceless and fill me with joy and pure happiness. I never thought it was physically possible to love a single person with such passion and immensity, especially at this age. Love has shown me a greater purpose in my life while teaching me several valuable life lessons along the way. I couldn't be happier with any other man to call my soulmate. Given our current circumstances and the amount of love that we have for one another, I will take every single day I get with him by my side and live my life to it's fullest inspite of the days we will soon have apart. I would much rather love my soulmate and see him on occasion than to love another and see him as often as my heart desires.
4.23.2011
A Prologue
Well, as this is my first entry, I feel it necessary to go into some sort of depth about myself and my family and personal life in general. But that information isn't what I want this blog to be about, so forgive me for omitting the tales of my alcoholic father and sickly mother. All you really need to know is that I am someone deeply in love with the odds against her. Someone who knows that the cards have never been dealt in her favor. Someone who is hell bent on beating the odds, proving everyone wrong, and maintaining her sanity all the while.
I am in love, and I have been since I first time I saw him; he is the single best thing to walk into my life; his name is Kelly. However, I am only 17 and he is but six months older than I. We are graduating high school in twenty-seven days and fifty days after that, my high school sweetheart will be beginning his life-long dream of being in the military by attending basic training in Fort Benning, Georgia. He signed up in August of 2010 with the soul goal to be an Army Ranger. Before he can get there he needs to turn 21, be in the Infantry and in the Airborne. He'll be in, and I hope I'm saying this correctly, Bravo Company when his fourteen weeks of training is all said and done.
The military is something I needed to quickly adjust to. Kelly has known his purpose his whole life and was upfront about his career choice since we began dating. My initial reaction was to be proud of him and respect his decision, and that is something I still hold true to. However, when things began getting more serious, I began getting more emotional. I cried all through Dear John when he took me to see it in theaters and found myself in a fit of tears when Tom Hanks died in Saving Private Ryan; to this day a news segment about a marine recieving a purple heart after an IED makes me tear up. I began to repeatedly tell myself that no matter how much I loved him and tried to keep him safe, this is what he wants more than anything and I can't have a negative frame of mind about it. As much as he'd deny and hate that I'm saying this, I need to be strong for the both of us. If I crumble into an emotional mess, his mind won't be on the training/classrom/battlefield where it needs to be.
"If you love them, let them go; if they love you, they'll come back." I have a gargantuan fear that Kelly won't come back from basic training. It is silly, I know. He will physically return to me. I am afraid that he will no longer be the man I fell in love with: I've been told that the military uses basic training not just to teach men how to fight and survive, but breaks their mentality and forms a new one--the mentality of a soldier. I'm afraid that he will come back as someone who no longer loves me. I think that's my biggest fear about basic: that he will come back and have made the decision that I am not someone he wants and/or needs in his life.
The odds seem stacked against a lasting relationship with him. We're in high school; he'll be in the military. Nothing in life is certain, aside from death and taxes, and this is definitly a uncertainty.
My future is also to be considered in all of this. I want to make a difference in this world, and recieve my English degree, and have a family someday. I plan on attending a community college for my first two years and then take those credits and transfer to a major university. Well I have the grant to pay for my schooling, but my family doesn't have a car. I literally have no way of getting to college. I'm the first in my family and I feel it's very apparent why. I don't have a large support system, nor does anyone in my support system have the health or financial means to literally support me.
The latest from my putz-y father is that I "need to respect Beth" (a.k.a. his mistress) and not call he whatsherface. I believe that he is right. HomeWreckingMistressWhore is a much better title for the woman you began dating after we left you before you divorced my mom. For the record, I choose to keep my father as far from my life as physically possible. I haven't lived with him in almost three years and my parents' divorce was official exactly one month ago. I will be 18 in almost two months and I feel no obligation to speak to him via phone, text, email, Facebook status...
I feel so overwhelmed at this point in my life, and I know this is normal for graduating high school seniors. I am aware, though, about how unique my situation is and I am driven to get where I want to be in life--happy and blissfully in love with my Army soldier despite the odds that are still stacked against me.
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