12 Days

Yesterday was nice and relaxing. Kelly had stayed the night for my birthday, so the first thing we did in the morning was go over to his house to shower and eat breakfast. Then we went to the Foothills Mall and I was able to spend one of the gift cards I recieved for my birthday. I had sucessfully convinced Kelly to go to HuHot for lunch--my treat. I was so pleased that I finally got him to eat lunch there; he seemed to like the food and was impressed with the huge grill... enough to go throw $3 in a tip jar. We ate dinner at his house, something we always do on Tuesdays. Then we went to Dick's Sporting Goods and bought a tent and an air mattress for our camping trip tomorrow. However, all day, I couldn't shake the feeling that he was leaving too soon. I really wish I had more time.

13 Days

Ok, my 18th birthday kicked ass! I've had such bad birthdays since turning 13, so I slowly began to anticipate them less and less. I had totally wrote off celebrating them in any big way until this year. I simply decided that I would make it special by getting a tattoo and getting carded any chance I could. I woke up at 6:30, showered at 7, opened the presents from my father and grandmother at 10:30. Kelly came by a little before 11 to take me over to Longmont to get my tattoo at Tribal Rites (which was his birthday present to me). We got there half an hour before they opened and, after thet did open, continued to wait for the tattoo artists to come in. Once they did, I consulted with one and sat around even longer while he drew it out. After being in Longmont for over an hour, my tattoo artist came back with a beautiful tattoo that was exactly what I wanted. They checked my ID and gave me a form to sign while my tattoo artist made the drawing into a stencil. Before I knew it, the stencil was becoming a perminant fixture on my foot. It didn't hurt as badly as I expected it to; the sound of the needle makes it seem so much worse than it really is. In some areas it actually kinda tickled, but it was killer when it went over bone. After we left, Kelly had decided to pull over and let me drive home. We didn't get anywhere near an accident but he did have tips to share with me once we pulled into my driveway. After grabbing a dress for dinner later in the evening and picking up the cake, we went over to Kelly's house for a little birthday... personal time. :) Dinner at Olive Garden was as delicious as ever. After we finished eating, Kelly and I went to Centerra to see Bad Teacher at 7:00. We came home, ate birthday cake and went to bed. All in all, it was one of the best birthdays I've had in a long time.

15 Days

The last few days in Illinois flew by; I couldn't be more grateful for the time that I spent with Kelly and his family and his best friends. He has been blessed to be surrounded by amazing people who love him to death.

We spent the last Friday of the trip with family; Kelly took his dad to work and I went to lunch with his little sister and his dad's girlfriend and then watched TV his grandmother that evening. On the last day, Kelly had his friends, Colton and Kenney, come by in the morning while so he could give them proper goodbyes. Then 10:30 rolled around and it was time to head out to the airport. We got to Bloomington, checked our bags and had about fifteen minutes to sit and talk with his dad for the last time. We soon said our goodbyes, went trhough security, found our gate and immediately boarded the plane to Atlanta. It was difficult for everyone, especially Kelly's father, to watch him leave for the last time before he enters basic training; you could read it in everyone's eyes that they didn't want to let him go.

Both the flight to Atlanta and the incredibly long flight home to Denver were, in a word, turbulent. We did make it safely to Denver and then went on a seemingly endless escapade to get home. Kelly's mom had arranged a Super Shuttle to pick us up and the instructions we had been given were wrong. We eventually figured out where we needed to go, what we needed to get and where to wait for the next shuttle to Fort Collins. It took over and hour to get home, and once we did, we had to soon hop in Kelly's van and drive over to my house so I could drop off my suitcase and get hiking clothes for the next morning.

All too soon it was 6:12 in the morning. After only seven hours of sleep we dressed, ate breakfast and piled in to go up to St. Mary's Glacier for a beautiful morning hike. It was a great hike and the view was breath-taking. I have since come home and fully unpacked from Illinois, printed out the flight itineraries for the upcoming trip to Washington and found the font I want my tattoo to be in. It's surreal; I turn 18 tomorrow. Being away so close to my birthday has delayed my realization that I am soon to be considered an adult in the eyes of the world for the rest of my life.

...I'm sure it will hit me tomorrow when I'm wondering "why on earth am I up at six".

17 Days

At least the single thing I was most looking forward too this week worked out for me; Avenue Q was incredibly funny and I loved every second of it. Somewhere in the back of my mind was Kelly and how he should have been there with Lane and I. I would have given anything to have laughed in a theatre with Kelly all night. Lane and Cameron stayed the night last night; it was the last chance we had to see friends. Unfortunately, Kelly had to get up incredibly early to take his dad to work, and there wasn't a big opportunity for goodbyes. I woke up when Kelly was getting dressed but soon fell asleep after he I encased me in the comforter. I awoke for the second time to a text from Lane, who was asking if I was awakd because he wanted to say goodbye. I went downstairs, folded up the blankets they used and said goodbye to Lane. We'll be flying out tomorrow afternoon, going hiking on Sunday morning and celebrating my birthday on Monday. I wish there was more time left with Kelly. It kills me that time has been wasted being angry or upset with one another. I would love to have a second chance with that time so I could spend it telling him how much he means to me.

18 Days

So, we didn't go to Six Flags on yesterday like we planned; it was canceled due to poor planning and crappy weather. NOT doing as we planned seems to be the theme of the week, and let me tell you, it is one sucky theme. Instead, we met up with the friends we were going with and walked around each mall in the area and saw the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie in 3D. It wasn't bad, but it also wasn't Six Flags. I ended up breaking down right before the friends came over, and all I could say was "I don't want you to go" over and over to Kelly. I am incredibly angry with him, and it's mostly for the unexpected break up, but I do not want him to go. We wouldn't be breaking up if he didn't go. I wouldn't be sneaking away to cry if he didn't go. I just want to freeze time during every kiss and hug; I want them to last forever. Even I am having a hard time figuring out what I'm feeling lately. There are so many mixed emotions for what used to be so simple and focused. I feel; that's the easiest way I can put it.

19 Days

Anger; it's pretty much the only emotion I've been consistently feeling. Hate is severely entwined with anger too. All I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs and pray that someone is listening. I feel like I've done all I can, played all the right cards and made all the right moves... and still feel broken hearted in the end. Like my heart has been ripped out, put though a wood chipper, then through a garbage compactor, then given to a dog as a chew toy... to bite, slobber on and use at its will with no attention paid to me, still standing there holding the spot where my heart was forcefully ripped out of my ribcage. So here I am, the day after crying myself to sleep, dying to just stand up and scream that I hate you. I hate you for making me feel independent and taking that feeling away when you broke my heart. I hate you for how incredibly sad I am and for how you're making me hide it day in and day out. I hate you for stringing me along as opposed to simply telling me that you changed your mind months ago. I hate you for giving me a list of things to hate. I hate that I still love you with everything that I am.

20 Days

Spending my day frustrated, as I have had to spend over two hundred dollars to buy a new phone. I now have about $225 to get me through this last week, and that'd be fine with me... if I didn't have that money set aside for books and other school items. Last night, I even went as far as calling both my parents and making sure that getting a new phone would be okay. My father, in fewer words, told me that my cell phone isn't his problem and I need to take this up with my mother. My mother sat on the phone and bitched at me for "playing nice" with him and calling her asking for answers for what to do about my phone situation.

21 Days

So, both yesterday and today have not gone as I had planned; they've been worse, almost significantly.

Father's day went well, aside from getting hit on by an 11 year old with a criminal record. After spending time with family, Kelly and I were picked up by Colton to stay the night at his house. It was fine... at first. Dinner was delicious and I wasn't grilled by Colton's parents as I had expected. The problem was the animals, three cats and a dog who all seem to love the person who is the most allergic to them. By midnight the entire right side of my face was swollen: my right eye was almost completely swollen shut; my right nostril closed as if I stuck glue up it; my bottom lip on the right side was slowly swelling up. Colton brought me some Benadryl and that fixed the swelling. I fell asleep on the downstairs couch as they watched anime on Netflix.

I woke up at five in the morning with a vicious asthma attack. Not only was the dog sleeping on me, but she was slowly pushing me off of the couch. I tried my hardest to regulate my breathing and clear the blockade in my lungs, but I couldn't. I reluctantly picked up my phone to text Kelly and ask him to bring down my inhaler when I saw that there was a text from him saying that I should text him or Colton if I needed anything. Kelly just so happened to be awake at 5:23 this morning and brought it down to me.
Kelly came downstairs and woke me up at 10:30. We all took showers and then decided to walk and get doughnuts for breakfast but not before Colton flicked a nickel into my cheekbone. That shit hurts. I instantly and uncontrollably teared up. Kelly looked almost embarrassed when he saw the first tear flee from my eye. I hid the small and slightly pathetic stream of tears and stopped them as quickly as I could. This whole charade was the lowest point of my day.

Then 3:30 rolled around and it was time for Kelly and I to go our separate ways for the day... but not for the evening as we had originally planned... Kelly informed me when I woke up that he had decided not to stay for all if Zack's birthday, but to go only for a few hours; this completely butchered the musical night I had planned with Lane, as I had learned last week that Kelly isn't fond of me keeping my plans when his change and he becomes available. So... I canceled the musical night and spent around three hours with Lane while Kelly was at Zack's birthday.
Lane and I went to the mall as we had planned after Colton dropped me off at Kelly's elementary school. We had our mission: lie to the employees at Claire's and get my ear cartilage pierced. He had openly plotted on Saturday at the graduation/June birthday party and Kelly swore up and down that we would never be able to pull it off. Here's a couple facts: 1) I've taken 4.5 years of acting classes 2) Lane is going to school on a $50,000 acting scholarship. Kelly had us feeling as if we were going to fail, but the drive to prove him wrong was almost overwhelming. We went to the first of what we expected to be several Claire's. When I was asked to show my ID, she handed it back without a word. She did soon realize that she <I>didn't</I> check my age. That's when Lane jumped in, explaining that I am only 17 and that he is my half-brother who soon became my legal guardian after our parents died in a car accident. She seemed skeptical, asked for his ID and said that if it was indeed a lie, we'd be in HUGE trouble. He filled out and signed all the paperwork necessary and she pierced my ear. WE PULLED IT OFF IN ONE TRY! We were both SO  pleased with ourselves. It was thee highlight of my day. Afterwards, we celebrated with a high five and a cherry Icee. We continued around the mall, went to Pet Smart to get kitty litter for his aunt, got ice cream from the Sunnyland Ice Cream Shack, and then met up with Kelly at exactly 7:00 where we said our goodbyes for the day.

I wish the day had gone as I had planned. If it had, I would currently be knee deep in musicals with Lane. I know that I could have insisted on keeping those plans, but Kelly only has twenty-one days left and a huge part of me knows that spending all the time with him that I can is more important than a musical night.

22 Days

So today is Fathers' Day. We'll spend the morning with the family and the night at Colton's house. From there, Kelly and I will split up: he'll go to Zack's birthday party and I will go to Lane's aunts house for a musical night. Yesterday was our graduation party/celebration for all the June birthdays. It was nice. All of the extended family I met last Christmas was over; we ate lunch and talked and had a good time. Kelly and I invited Lane and Cameron to come celebrate as well, and we ended up spending most of the party with them. Of course, his lovely Aunt Maureen gushed about how she loves me and how lucky Kelly is to have me. I wish those words didn't sting; I wish they gave me confidence and made me elated because his family approves of me. But they hurt... significantly. After the family left Kelly, Cameron, Lane and I went down to the Kickapoo 175th-centennial fair for the third and final night. Lane and Kelly spent $8 each for paper bracelets. The bracelets let them on the bouncy rides as many times as they wanted; naturally, everything became from there on out a competition. It was hilarious. Kelly won at almost everything and Lane made a few upsets when he won. Cameron and I cheered them on whilst mocking Kelly's little sister's intelligence. Seriously, her IQ and waist size are about the same. Cameron went home earlyish to beat the drunk drivers. Then we sat outside with Kelly's cousin Josh and listened to music and chatted until we all went our separate ways at 11:30. I'm really excited for the week ahead. We're staying at Colton's tonight, then Monday is my day with Lane. On Wednesday Kelly, Cameron, Lane and I are going to Six Flags. Thursday Lane and I are going to see Avenue Q and he and Cameron will be staying the night here at Kelly's grandmothers' house. Then we leave on Saturday and the following Monday is my birthday!

24 Days

So I lost that facade I had been wearing--the one that made everything seem all perfect and happy in my world--in front of Kelly yesterday while on our way to spend the afternoon with our friend Lane. I don't now how we got on THE subject, but we did. He has no answers to any of my questions nor do I feel any better about his decision. I felt as if I was holding myself together quite nicely, as I was only dabbing at gently flowing tears with a napkin. However they started falling heavier as the conversation and following silence passed, and Kelly pulled over into a random parking lot where I could have his full attention as I lost it. Crying didn't become uncontrollable, nor did Kelly's anger that I was indeed "still upset" over the matter. Things continue to stand in an awkward place for us, and I can only hope that they will soon become a little more black and white. I gathered myself and we finished the drive to Lane's aunt's house. I played with a kitten as they played pool and foozeball. When Lane's fling, Sam, got off work we all went and played mini-golf. The game was a blast, and I feel like if we would've kept score I wouldn't have lost, but getting there, err halfway there, was a BLAST. Lane owns a motorcycle that he likes to drive in the summer. I had never been on the back of a bike and, surprisingly enough, trusted Lane enough to get on the back of his. I was drop dead nervous before I got on but found I was really enjoying myself after the first couple minutes. After mini-golf we went to the Sunnyland Ice Cream Shack; I will admit that Kelly is right, it's thee best ice cream ever. After we were all finished snacking, we hugged goodbye and headed home. I decided that on our way back, we should stop by the Bob Evans where Colton works to say hello and make his day. As it turns out, he got off his shift early and was at some chicks house and wanted us to drop by. We then began a twenty minute adventure to find the damn place only to chat for ten minutes and be, essentially, ignored by the people there. I was told that it is because I am pretty and this chick biasedly thinks "all hot girls are bitches". I went out of my way to be sweet and introduce myself just because of this and... no one looked up as I said goodbye; they only spoke to Colton. On our way home for good, Lane called us with a story. He explained that at the end of the trip Sam became withdrawn, something we all noticed, because she'd seen Lane giving me a hug and was quite jealous. Now, this girl not only has feelings for Lane but also has feelings for her ex-boyfriend who has proposed several times already; she's told Lane that she is in fact ready to be married and can't make up her mind between the two of them. I found this to be interesting, as even I don't get jealous over hugs especially if I have two guys to choose from. Huh.

25 Days

I've a feeling it's going to be a rough day. Why? Well, this feeling of impending doom in mid July is starting to wear my facade thin. I've realized that this is no longer a countdown until he leaves to the military, but a countdown until we separate. I woke up around 10:30 and Kelly's aunt Maureen was here. I went down to the living room and spoke with her for a while. Before leaving, she gave me a hug and said "Now, I think we just need to keep her". She went on about how I'm more than welcome to stay with her and her husband and go to school out here, an offer that's been made to me before. I adore his aunt Mo and, if it weren't for Mom's deteriorating health, I would go to school in Illinois. The look on Kelly's face was... unreadable. I can't tell if it hurts him as much as it does me to hear people go on about how we should stay together and how they think of me as part of the family... After she left, I jumped in the shower and it took a bit of strength not to cry. I want just what they do: to be with Kelly and remain a part of the family. I... need to find something in myself that is going to get me through these next twenty-five days and hope that it lasts me until he decides that we'll officially be together again.

26 Days

We're on our way home from spending the night at Kelly's friend Kenney's house. The night was... long, but an interesting one at that. We arrived at Kenney's and played wii for a few hours. Then we decided we were hungry enough for dinner, so we went to the restaurant, Bob Evans, where their friend Colton works. We did this the first time I stayed over at Kenney's and I was excited to see Colton again. Moreover, I was excited to screw with him. We requested him as our waiter and soon ended up being the only people in his section. Unfortunately he was already having a rough day so I went a little easy on him. I made him go over the menu and tell me all the soft foods they had for me to eat. He didn't seem to enjoy this as much as I did. I threw a fit when he informed me that pumpkin pie is seasonal, something I believe to be utter bullshit. For all his hard work, we left him a $22 tip on a $24 bill. Because of the rough shift he'd had, the tip was not left in quarters as I had suggested. We went back to Kenney's house and Colton came to stay the night with us after he got off work around eleven. We then went for a walk and went to bed around one, falling asleep to the sounds of Happy Tree Friends. I woke up around ten that morning after a night of off and on sleep on a slightly lumpy couch. Colton was back at work by eight as was Kenney around six. Kelly and I ate breakfast together, took showers, and ate lunch at Steak 'n Shake with Kenney after he got off work. Now, after lunch and scoping for cute gays at a Target and Pet Smart, we're almost home where I shall begin reading The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks. I'm always happy when out on vacation with Kelly to visit his family. The drama of my home life and relationship woes with Kel are set aside to simply enjoy the wonderful people surrounding us.

27 Days

Wow. When Kel picked me up from the airport... it was everything I had dreamed it would be. I got off the tarmac, straightened my clothes and... tried to figure out where baggage claim was. I found my way as soon as I saw Kelly pacing as close to the gates as he could get. We saw one another at the same time; I walked a little faster and, as soon as I got within two feet of him, dropped my purse and gave him the biggest hug I could muster. The smile of genuine happiness and the passion in his kisses... they were all I had hoped for and all I had wanted them to be.


The ride home was filled with stories from our time apart and recollections of the moments when we missed each other the most. I wish it would have lasted longer than  the forty-five minutes it took to get to his grandmothers house where we are staying.

The time spent since then hasn't been extremely eventful. I'll work on e-mailing up posts this week.

29 Days

So, I dropped a pretty large atomic bomb in yesterdays post. I only did so because that is how it was delivered to me. Well, I take that back; I began to see this coming one day prior.
At first, I hated him. I was livid, panicked, you name it. And of course, I learned when something serious was going down while in public… via text message no less. I publically freaked out and sought out the first person who came to mind: Jordan McDaniel. I called him and he and I went for a walk around Lake Loveland. It really calmed me down and put me in a sane frame of mind.

As soon as I stepped in the door after the walk, Kelly called to… negotiate the terms of our break up. He says that this whole this isn’t meant to hurt me. He just wants to see me do well on my own along with entering basic training with a clear frame of mind. I couldn’t grasp why this was necessary and I had no say in the matter… aside from when it will be official. The day he leaves for basic is the day the relationship ends. All this the day before I’m supposed to fly out and see him?

I chose to go Illinois nonetheless. It was a difficult decision and one that greatly upset my mother. I found some romantic notion that he’d fall in love with me all over again when he first saw me in the Bloomington airport, or that maybe that was all a test to see if I loved him enough to still see him and not let the feelings of pain and anger get in my way.

His mom came to pick me up around 7:10, three hours after this nuke was deployed on my heart. I had to tell her what had happened. I wasn’t nervous though; I was more afraid of how Kelly would react to me telling his mother before he could than how she would react to the news. I started by asking just what the psychic she sees had said about my relationship with her son. She went into details I already knew and when she was finished, I said “Well, he’s emphasized the ‘individual’ part of our future together”. Initially, she seemed shocked and sympathetic and said everything that I needed to hear. She explained what she figured his intention(s) were and, all in all, she was spot on. All of the explanations she offered matched up with the texts he had sent me just a few hours prior. She also put a great deal of emphasis on the fact that I “hold a special place in her heart” and she told me several times that she loves me, wants to see me with her son in the future and fully believes that Kelly and I will someday reconnect and it will be as if we never “missed a beat”. Her personal examples, her word choice, her reassurance, her precise knowledge of where Kel is coming from… all of it put the pieces of my heart back together. I was no longer bitter; his intentions no longer felt spiteful. I found the confidence in our relationship again and I went to bed that night happy.

I woke up at 4:00 this morning. Yeah; I’m pretty confident in saying that I hate early mornings far more than you do. They give me an upset stomach; couple that insane motion sickness. I knew that today would be a bit difficult on my body.

We got to DIA, checked my bag and said our goodbyes in front of security. That’s where I learned I’m not always the brightest crayon in the box. While going through security, I forgot to remove my cell phone from my shorts pocket. So I got “pat down”—their kinder way of saying first base with a chick wearing rubber gloves. No big deal; my phone isn’t a bomb. It was just a huge waste of everyone’s time. I gathered myself and went to my terminal… where I bought the bagel of my dreams! No, seriously. I’ve had several dreams about Einstein Brother’s Bagels. Too bad I couldn’t eat it. Stupid wisdom teeth!

The flight to Minnesota was fine. I was stuck in the aisle seat but, lucky for me, the middle seat was unoccupied. I am currently in the last two hours of my four and a half hour layover here in the Minneapolis/St Paul International Airport. Lucky for Mom, there are tons of sport shops here, so I went ahead and bought her a deck of Minnesota Vikings playing cards (she collects playing cards and loves the Vikings). I had lunch at a Chili’s… which I was also unable to eat. I think I’ve killed as much time as possible and I still have two hours left. Hurray.

30 Days

After spending about two hours on the phone last night, Kelly and I seem to be at the same place we were before I had him call to clarify a few things. Due to the heavy narcotics I was on, I would eventually end up arguing with a point I had made several hours ago. It went in circles, I continued to burst into tears, and I feel that we only took steps in the wrong direction as opposed to moving forward with things.

Today is my last day home. I've finished all my packing (except for my laptop, laptop charger, phone charger) and will be ready to stay the night at Kelly's when his mom picks me up around seven tonight. From there, I wake up around... four in the morning, shower, eat breakfast and get to the airport by 6:45 at the latest. My flight is... 7:30 or 7:45 from DIA. I land in Minnesota for a four and a half layover and at 3:00 I fly from Minnesota to Bloomington, Illinois where I will get finally get to see Kelly.

On an amazingly bright side, I woke up and the swelling on my face was down by, oh, 30%. If it continues to decrease at this fantastic pace, I will be--almost--normal looking when I get picked up from the airport. I also haven't taken any Vicodin today. It's true, the throbbing is constant and a total pain in my ass, but I'd rather that than be sleeping through the day and forgetting to pack this or that. Mom has insisted that I go into teh oral suregon for a quick check up today; there's a piece of skin... or something hanging down by the stitches on the bottom left side. It hurts to eat, tastes like blood when I bite on it, and aches even when my mouth is closed.

---

That's it. We're breaking up the day he leaves for basic...

31 Days

Wow. You will not believe this. I have been in a lot of pain due to the wisdom teeth extraction, right? Well, it wasn't your average extraction. The teeth were impacted into the bone and my jaw/skull needed to be cut so the teeth could be removed. I've been on three different narcotics and and antibiotic and should be all better in ten days days. The first three were hell. As soon as the anesthesia wore off, my body went into total shock and I cried. It hurt so freaking bad. Yesterday was the day of peak swelling and today I'm feeling less dizzy and a little more... human to say the very least.

I've been venting about my pain to Kelly, and I was right in doing this... so I thought. Boyfriends are supposed to be there for you and tell you it'll all be ok in the end. Not this time. Last night I was on the verge of, and ended up, puking--something you shouldn't do in case of losing the blood clots that cover the incision. As I expected, the most important thing to him wasn't that I was able to keep the blood clots intact, but that a quarter size amount got on his box spring. I was panicked and all I wanted was for him to tell me it would be okay. The majority of his "loving" responses were "There's nothing I can do" and "Where's your Mom? Have her help" and "You've a low pain tolerance. This is nothing. My dad didn't cry. My sister didn't cry. Nor will I".

The main issue, I like to believe, is that I was unable to fill him in on the full nature of the surgery and how it wasn't your everyday extraction. He assumed that I got a choice of anestetic. He assumed that I should be out of bed and out with friends despite specific orders to lay in bed and watch movies. He assumed that this was any normal tooth pulling. Apparently in the military when they remove your wisdom teeth, they give you ibuprofen and one day off to recover. My doctor insisted on at least a week of bed rest.

Mom, who has woken up every four hours to give me meds and refilled countless ice bags and checked my incisions every time I rinse my mouth out thinks I should push the flight back by two days so I can have a better grasp on getting better. I immediately thought that this'd upset him  more than anything, as Kelly paid for half my ticket and had been so excited to see me. When I reluctantly told this to Kelly, he told me to "Do what you want". Now, that's not something a girl who has been dying to see her boyfriend (a boyfriend who is soon to ship out none the less) wants to hear. He has also recently informed me that just because he's "leaving doesn't mean he wants cuddle time". Sounds dumb to be this angry about, but that is all I am looking forward to: to hold him in my arms for one of the last few times and cherish every moment. Melodramatic? Maybe.

I will admit, I have been extremely stressed out with the pain and how little time is left with Kelly and how everyone is trying to get me to do things their way. Kelly wants me to recover in the blink of an eye and not utter a word to anyone about what the recovery is taking out of me. Mom wants me to push the trip back so I've more time to recover here at home. My doctor wants me to skip the trip completely and stay under his care. And I, attempting to make everyone happy in the process, am going to implode.

First I learn that he's only taking his leave out here, now I can't get an answer if he wants me to go out there at all. I know that the "extra cuddle time" I will want will take away from time with his family and friends, so I am willing to lose the $175 I put down for half of my plane ticket to give him that time. I don't want to hear that he wants me to do so; I want to be told that he loves me and can't wait to see me again after these eighteen days apart. Instead I get to feel like a burden before I leave, like I'll be doing nothing but interfering with his plans and making his last two weeks in Illinois hell on Earth for him. Great.

33 Days

Ok, I don't think it's physically possible to have gotten any worse of a night's sleep last night. I was up every two hours naturally and up every four to take pain medication. My jaw still hurts but the bleeding stopped so I'm no longer gagging on the gauze that was stabbing at my incisions. I am, however, extremely nauseated most of the time. If I throw up, I lose the blood clots that are protecting me from a whole hell of a lot of pain. I"m at a decreased risk of losing them by Thursday morning, so that's when I plan on beginning to eat solid foods.

Yay diet! I wish it wasn't a liquid diet, but I can only take what they've forced on me. I'm also unable to do any serious movements; no working out, no playing Wii, nothing. I tried going downstairs to get myself a glass of milk from breakfast and that made me want to throw up and pass out simultaneously.

The whole day was like that. I'd take meds, fall asleep, wake up an hour before meds are due, take them and fall back asleep. The real kicker was the nausea that hit me like a tsunami around five that evening. I throw up = I lose the blood clots = a lot of pain. I was maxed out on the anti-nausea medications from my hip surgery and I was, essentialy, shit outta luck. I had been in this nauseated hell for around four hours when I could no longer take it. The ice bags around my neck were making me nauseated (smell), the chicken bullion Mom brought me for dinner made me nauseated-er, the way the TV moved too quickly was only making things worse.

I was at the point of no return. I had woken up in a fit of nausea while Mom was out getting cigarettes. I called her and explained (with a towel over my mouth just in case) that I was losing my uphill battle. She came home as quickly as she could, checked on me, and went downstairs for something. I had officially lost my battle. I was pounding viciously on the wall for her help... and nothing. (she thought it was our next door neighbors.) It all came out at once... and then came out my nose. All airways were blocked and I had to just puke. I leaned over my bed where my trashcan was and continued--not forcing the vomit, but to just letting it flow so there was no extra pressure on the incisions.

I had already had a few tiffs with Kel. I kept texting him for support and all he'd say is "What do you want me to do about it?" and "Where's your Mom? She can help you". Really, kid? All I want is for you to tell me it's all right. Now after hours of him pissing me off by lack of sympathy, I have to tell him that my rocket-vomit got on his box spring. Not noticeable by any means, but happened nonetheless. It didn't matter to him that I also puked down my leg or on my laptop nor did it matter that I didn't lose the blood clots in this mess. It was his first and only concern. He compaired it to him spilling milk on my laptop and how upset I'd be.

We have yet to stop going over the same details. I wasn't given an anesthesia option; we asked them because it makes me puke for a good twelve hours straight. They said they do it via IV and that was it. Personally, I don't think it was the anesthesia. I think it has something to do with the chicken bullion I had for dinner or the fact that I didn't have a thick coating to my stomach when it came time to take pain meds. Kelly jumped the e anesthesia conclusion all by himself and is now making me feel completely incompetent for not choosing a local anesthetic or having a wastebasket closer to me etc etc etc.

"It's hard to sound supportive over text" is the excuse as to why he keeps telling me there's nothing he can do. I'm not stupid. I know that he cant' come home and save me or call me when he's out with friends. All I wanna hear is that I'm strong and that everything will be okay in the end and that he loves me. Instead he tells me that I have a low pain tolerance and that nobody else cries from wisdom teeth extractions and there's nothing he can do to help me. Gee, thanks.

34 Days

Talked to Kelly on the phone last night. In the beginning of the call, I was soon so completely stressed out and tearing up. We have such little time left together, and I am really starting to freak out. The conversation had it's ups and downs. There was one point were he told me he's only coming back on his first leave because he has to. Thirty minutes later, he was offering to direct-deposit money in my account every month to help me out through college. Both of those I was completely astounded by. Time soon came to get off the phone, and I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep while on the phone with him. Five more days...

I had my wisdom teeth removed at 9:40 this morning. I wasn't scared until the IV was in and the meds that put me to sleep were in. They all went into my hand and it hurt. I remember trying to stay awake and then waking up with gauze in my mouth. The anesthesia was making me scared and panicky and want to cry. While I was under, Mom went to get all my necessary meds and she picked up apple juice, store-made chocolate milk, and chocolate chip muffins.

I'm home now, watching Beauty and The Beast and singing along to it... to the best of my ability. I love this movie; it's my favorite Disney princess movie of all time. Next I think I'm going to watch Aladdin or Tarzan... or just take a nap. My jaw thoroughly hurts. They gave me percoset and that one never seems to work well for me. The ice packs on my face are stinging my skin, but that's no big deal.

I am in so much pain! Every time I change the gauze, it feels like the new gauze is stabbing me  in the incision area. It throws me into a panicky state of being. Makes me what to throw up the stitched and the blood clots that are pertinent not to lose.

On a whim no more than seven minutes ago, I decided to order the boyfriend pillow off of Overstocks.com. I've learned the hard way last week that split/impulse decisions always turn out poorly for me. But, I have my Visa info memorized , thus continuing my problem. Oh well; this is something I've wanted for a long time and I'm really excited to get it and it only was $24.

35 Days

Last night I went to the drive in with family and it was nice... Ok, the movie kinda sucked, I kept getting kicked, I ended up wearing the syrup from Carter's drippy snow cone, listening to Carter piss and moan about Travis laving on his leg, and I was laying in popcorn the whole time. Yet another outing to prove that family things are overrated.

Today is my final day before my wisdom teeth extraction so, naturally, I am spending most of the day putting final touches on a trip that isn't for six more days. I'm anticipating that the 5 days following the surgery will be hellish and I won't want to pack and clean my room and many other things I'll want to have done when I get back. I'm sure that I can get my mom to vacuum my room while I'm gone and whatnot, but I would much rather do it myself ahead of time than rely on someone else to do it for me... especially since it's what I want done, not what needs to be done.

I also when and grabbed a quick tan at my tanning salon, but before I could do so I had to stop my a "neighbor's" place and pick up a package from Forever 21 that UPS wrongly delivered to them. Their address is almost exactly the same and this isn't the first time it has happened. I stopped by before tanning and... no one answered. I stopped by after tanning and... no one answered. I'm going by this evening around five to try for a third time. If no one answers, I'll have no choice but to leave a note and hope that Mom can pack the new clothes for me. Fucking UPS... How hard is it to read the God damn label?

Mom and I went over to leave the note and I noticed that a car was in the driveway that wasn't earlier this morning. She did, in fact, have my package from Forever 21 and I have since packed everything I'll be taking with and I've also decided what I'll wear on Saturday. It's from that order, it's super comfortable, and I think Kelly will really like it.

Saying Those Three Words

I remember the first time Kelly said "I love you". It was... less than romantic to say the least. It was February 5th; we hadn't even been dating for two weeks, and the words seemed almost unstoppable. It was after school in early February and we had just gone to Baskin Robins for ice cream. We were in the middle seat of his van making out when he surprised me with the question "Would you consider having an abortion". I've always been very pro-choice, so I said that I would. As soon as I finished explaining this, he blurted out "I love you" and went back to kissing me. I was completely taken aback; I really didn't know how to handle his... expression, so I went with what he was doing and swept it under the rug.

I couldn't get that moment off my mind, so I brought it up while we were texting later that night. I started by asking if it was a heat of the moment thing that he didn't mean and he informed me that it wasn't. I felt like it was my turn to tell him how I felt about him, so I said that I love him too; it gave him butterflies and made him feel amazing.

I have all those texts saved on an old Samsung of mine. Having the texts from the very beginning of our relationship makes me very happy. I love being able to pull out my old phone for reference or even a simple pick-me-up on an extremely bad day. I'm reminded how much he truely loves me every time I get to turn it on.

36 Days

Last night I saw X-Men First Class with Dillon and his girlfriend Kelsey. I enjoyed the movie, but I wish it was just a smidge later. I had just gotten on the phone with Kelly when Dillon texted me saying that he was on his way to get me. I was so disappointed that I was about to miss my chance to catch up with Kel. I sent Dillon a vague and panicked text and he was able to pick Kelsey up before me, thus giving Kelly and I about a half-hour on the phone. We've made plans to talk tomorrow night.

The converation wasn't about anything special in particular. The simple fact that I could hear his voice when he said "I love you" as opposed to reading it on my phone screen was enough to make my night. I miss him more now than I have since last summer when I was laying up in a hospital bed and he was all I wanted. I want to be by his side more than anything. If it didn't disrupt his plans and screw me outta my wisdom teeth removal, I'd seriously contemplate going out a few days early; I just miss him that much.

I looked at my itinerary today and I've realized that my layover in Minnesota is four and a half hours long. I'll need to be at DIA around 6:30 in the morning. I'll be spending all Saturday traveling as opposed to the previous notion that I had where I'd get to spend a decent chunk of that day with Kelly. Things are so down to the wire already that every hour counts. I even woke up later than normal and kicked myself for it because it meant two fewer hours of texting him. With all this pressure, I am either going to succeed or crumble.

Kelly's best friend, Cameron, wants to fly back from Illinois with us. With how I've been borderline obsessing with making every last day perfect, this was far from good news. Kelly said that he has informed Cameron that the trip needs to wait until after my birthday and needs to give Kelly the last six or so days before he leaves for basic. Kelly explained that with airfare costs being the way they are, the ticket would be more expensive if he's out here for the fourth of July. So, under Kelly's advice and restrictions, Cameron would only be out for about five days. I am seriously wondering if that is all a conspiracy to take all my time away from him before he's gone for four months with zero contact. Yes, I am slightly overreacting and Cameron is a great kid but come ON! I want MY time with him. NOW.

Today I got my ring cleaned and went to WalMart with my mom. It was ok... until I started having an anxiety attack because of all of the people there. The isles would get really crowded all of a sudden and I felt trapped and scared. I've never had a claustrophobia problem before. When we got home all of my mucles were drained, as if I was kickboxing the whole time. It was strange.

Now I am off to the Holiday Twin Drive In with Carter, Tim, and the twins. We're going to see Kung Fu Panda 2 and Thor. I'm excited; my first drive in of the year.

37 Days

I woke up this morning and I was still extremely happy from the Skype Video Call with Kelly and Kenney last night. I even reread the text a few times before getting out of bed. This trip can't be coming up any slower. It's almost physically impossible for time to be passing at a slower rate than it has been.

I showered this morning and did some more light packing. Now in addition to all the undies, socks and swimsuits I'll need while out there, I have three sundresses, four tops, a pair of sandals, and a pair of Soffe shorts packed. I'm getting it done slowly but surely... and pretty early too. I leave next Saturday and I'm about halfway packed. I do have a method to this though; I'll have everything I want to bring cleaned and packed and in the last week I will edit the continents of the suitcase down to about fifteen outfits. I don't want to be without options though, so I may skip the editing part altogether and bring most of my favorites with me.

I went out to dinner with my mom at Village Inn. It was a nice meal with Mom, especially after her being sick (with what I'm sure is pneumonia that she won't treat) for a while. During the meal, I recieved a text from my father that informed me that he purchased the tickets and is "excited" to see me. The timing of the trip, in one word, sucks. Kelly leaves and then I go visit someone who has gone out of their way that they couldn't care any less. God, July is shaping up to be 31 days of hell.

Skype at 10:30pm Last Night

Last night Kelly stayed over at his friend Kenney's house and I was able to Skype with them! It made me so incredibly happy to see Kelly beaming when my camera first loaded and displayed me sitting on my bed, smiling back at him. The smile on his face was huge and it didn't leave his pretty face for the first twenty minutes of the Skype call.

I really, really enjoyed seeing and talking to both Kelly and Kenney. It had been a long time since Kenney and I caught up over Skype and to see my baby sitting next to him made it all the better. However, my connection grew worse as the conversation wore on, and it thoroughly sucked to watch them lag and hear every third word either of them said. I got off my Skype call with Kenney a little while after Kel went to bed; the connection was so bad and I was too tired to deal with the incessant lag and having to ask "What?" every twenty seconds.

A few minutes after Kelly went to bed he sent me a text that reads:

"That iam. I feel like Kenney is jealous of u bc u have me. And I like that, seeing u just reminded me how truly lucky iam to be awith a wonderfully beautiful girl like u. I love you very much grace elaine torgeson, im glad u chose me :)"

I read it while on webcam with Kenney, and it was really difficult to hide my smile. I now have that text locked to my phone; it actually prevented me from sleeping, as all I could do was reread it a couple hundred times before falling asleep. Reading that coupled with seeing his beautiful face made me miss him more than I have this entire trip.
*Side note: Kenney is a bit jealous, I think, because I'm dating Kelly. He's gay and Kelly is exactly his type.

It was after midnight when I finally slid my laptop underneath my bed and crawled under the covers to go to bed. I layed there for over an hour, simply rereading his text and thinking about how amazing I'll feel when I see Kelly smiling at me from across the airport in eight days.

38 Days

I spent most of today at True Colours Salon and Day Spa getting my hair fixed. Over four hours and $100 at the salon later (not to mention all the at home boxes I bought), and I am finally happy with my hair! It is all one consistant color too! The boxes only dyed my scalp and they dyed it a kool-aid red color too. They had absolutely no affect on the rest of my hair. The women (yes, it took two stylists) who consulted with me and helped me through this awful, awful series of dye jobs are absolutely fantastic. One wrong move and I could've been in a color-lock (where your hair resists all help) or having it all fall out... All in all, I'm glad I decided to go there for their help and it was well worth the money. I totally wish we had done before and after pictures though. Hmmph.
Other than that, I haven't done much else today. I got to talk to Kel for most of the day and I seriously enjoyed that. He helped me through the majority of the boredom in the lulls of the coloring process. I do miss him, but at the same time I've re-grown used to the personal space and spending any time alone that I want to. I do miss his warmth at night and that downright adorable smile of his. His absence hurt the worst when it was new and I had 20-some days until I saw him next. Now I've grown used to it and I'll be seeing him in nine days. I can't wait to see his smiling face when I walk through the airport towards him.

39 Days

Wow. I can't believe this much time has passed. We're nearing the one month mark until Kelly leaves; it's really surreal. Not to mention that I get my wisodm teeth pulled in five days and leave for Illinois five days after that.

Ten days until I leave, and I'm still freaking sick. As I see it, I only really have five days left to spend with friends due to getting my wisdom teeth pulled. The time after that will be spent in bed recovering and packing. I will be staying the night at Kelly's house on the 10th and his mom will take me to the airport early on the 11th. I feel like there's a lot to be done. I don't know why; there really isn't all that much left to do. It's probably because it's crucial stuff to get done. I need to: wash the sheets on my bed before the surgery (and they're in the washer now); wash my clothes and decide what I'll need/want to bring; find a medium sized suitcase and begin packing BEFORE my surgery. I remember babysitting a friend of mine the day hers's were taken out while her parents were in the hospital visiting her stepdad's mom and, by the looks of it, I really won't be up for packing or cleaning or all the other OCD things I do before a trip.

Speaking of trip, it is official that I am going out to Washington State to visit my father. For all of you who've heard about my father at length, you must know that this is one of the last things I want to do with my time. I will only be out there for four days, from July 13th-17th. I have very few selfish reasons to go out. Of course, I wanna see my best friends from elementary school and look at the UW campus and I need to level with Paul about a few things. The main reason for going out is to make sure it's a safe environment for Carter to stay out for a few weeks.

I went and got the last available DVD for Dexter, and the finale was kickass. On my way back, I stopped by Silvermine Subs to get lunch, thus having to pass by the True Colours Day Spa. That's when I decided today was the day to get my bakini waxed. That was a painful split decision, oh my gawd. Apparently, waxing gets easier the more you do it. Dear lord above, I should have taken a muscle relaxer while I waited for the wax to get hot. My muscles were freaking out, I was sweating profusely, but I didn't scream. I will probable have it done again... but not without prior medication.

I spent the evening hiding from all mirrors in my room. I made a new cover for Kelly's letters, wrote him a letter for today, and watched So You Think You Can Dance. Now that the day is almost over, my ugly Little Mermaid hair has me seriously upset. I don't wanna leave the house until it's fixed.

Later in the night, our "neighbor" from down the street came with som eof our mail that they accidentally got. This happens quite often and we were able to give her the pile of her mail that accumulated on the table and she handed Carter a package for me. It was my graduation gift from my Aunt Meghan and Uncle Jimmy. It turned out to hold an absolutely gorgeous jewelry box that has my initials engraved on the top and inside it held a sterling silver necklace with two "1" initials and a starr charm with "Class of 2011" engraved on one side and my initials engraved on the other. It's absolutely precious!